I have a tendency to
go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds - from completely fine and decent to
wanting to mass murder soft, fuzzy critters. It can be something meaningless or
something I’m passionate about... or a meaningless rant about something I’m
passionate about. Sadly, most of the time, it’s meaningless. It seems like just
about anything can trigger me and so it can become extremely difficult to
pinpoint what and anticipate when I’m going to have a flare up (and I don’t
mean my pain... though it certainly is a pain.)
I’m an extremely
hypocritical person. It’s not easy for a hypocrite to accept that they’re a
hypocrite, but it’s certainly easy for a hypocrite to accuse another of being
one. I’m a hypocrite who hates hypocrisy. Is this getting hypocritical enough?
I will often take very large stands against something... only to do it myself,
and then justify my doing it - whatever ‘it’ may be. For instance, I might say
that I hate when people talk too much... but then what do I do? I talk... a
lot... and I make people think the same thing, only about me. Mom just might
hate that hypocritical problem of mine most. When I’m then accused of being a
hypocrite, well... my thermostat usually goes well above the boiling point.
Being accused of just about anything will do that to me.
Criticism. It doesn’t
matter if it’s constructive, corrective, or mean, I just can’t stand it. I’m
very hypocritical here, too, but I’d rather be called a hypocrite than be
criticised in any way. They say that people with bipolar, and similar
disorders, are much more sensitive to criticism than the average person. You
think it would just be easier if I did something your way instead of mine?
Well... I’d curse my brains out... in my mind. I’d then argue quite
persistently and arrogantly until no one feels in the least bit good. Criticism
can get me to the point where I stab the person with words - and trust me, I’ve
brought a number of people to tears on several occasions by just arguing with
them.
Saying I’m lazy,
especially when I’m in a bad mood. How do I want to react? ‘Well, f*ck you!”
How do I respond? Well, very much as with criticism, especially since I
consider it criticism, at least at the time. I’ll likely say that the person
saying I’m lazy makes me want to kill them and all that jazz. If I’m already in
a bad mood, it probably just ends up feeling like kicking me while I’m down.
Depression isn’t easy, and thinking that I can just ‘snap out of it’ and go
about my life is total bull (note, however, that it’s understandable to
encourage activity while depressed.) Quite frankly, there’s a bit of
justification in my anger in this case. However, the amount of anger and how I
lash out is, admittedly, not justifiable.
Disrespecting or
disregarding my quirks. OCD/OCD-like symptoms aren’t easy to deal with, no
matter what someone might think. Yes, I have a silly desire to put the
silverware and dishes in certain places, in certain orders, and in certain
ways. Yes, I’m hypercritical about a lot of things. Yes, I can’t stand germs
and will sometimes go to extreme lengths to avoid them (even if, in a different
circumstance, I defy that impulse entirely.) Disregarding or disrespecting
these quirks of mine can get my blood boiling. I probably hold in my anger the
most with this, but that anger probably gets vented another way. Just like with
the depression, I can’t simply snap out of these habits anytime I’d like and go
about being ‘normal,’ so I take immense offence when someone acts as though I
can, even if I end up overreacting.
Being told what to do,
or what I need to do. Man, will this piss me off. I know, in the end, that
people mean well, but you have to know that I just never can see it that way in
the moment. I end up getting more discouraged, side-tracked, and frustrated
that I actually am even less likely to do those things. I become rigid and
resistant to the point of total stubbornness. Also... I tend to merely be
reminded of what I haven’t been successful at in the past which doesn’t conjure
any good thoughts and feelings. No matter how much you think you’re being
encouraging, stop. It won’t work and it’ll backfire. Perhaps a little to keep
some perspective is good, but only very little. Well, okay, that’s not to say
that all attempts at encouragement is futile, but - rather - the average person
just doesn’t know how to safely encourage someone with a mental, behavioral, and/or
personality disorder.
A person with a
disorder thinks differently than most others (it wouldn’t exactly be disordered
otherwise), and it can be hard for both sides to understand one another. This
is why it’s just a bad idea to assume that what works for everyone else will
work for someone with a disorder. For instance, saying, ‘You’ll get nowhere if
you stop trying,’ can be encouraging to someone without a disorder; however,
someone with a disorder might translate it as, ‘You obviously aren’t trying
very hard.’ Also, a person with a disorder - especially a personality disorder
- will often perceive tones in a person’s voice that isn’t really there,
causing for misconceptions and even disastrous miscommunication.
Perpetuating an
argument, even if I started it. It’s not a good idea to do this, as I’ll
practically take it as a declaration of war, and I likely won’t stop until I’ve
either won, or the other person forfeits. However hard it may be for you to
stop arguing back, it’s drastically harder for me. Once I get going, I’m going.
I try to stop, but it becomes autonomic. These rages I go through almost cause
a sort of dissociation where I feel separate from my body, and my body’s just
acting on its own. It isn’t until I start to cool down that I get back into...
at least some control.
These things don’t
happen all the time, but frequently enough that it’s a problem. Anger has
become something harder and harder for me to control, and I have to use all of
my willpower to stop from making it physical on some occasions. The more that
the anger becomes inflated, the more likely I am to hurt someone (emotionally,
at least), causing guilt and depression in the aftermath. Nothing good ever
comes of it, but I never feel in control in those moments. It may sound
unreasonable to avoid these things, but it might end up with a more
unreasonable result if you don’t.
This post isn’t to say
anything more than how to hopefully avoid problems with me. I also not saying
that I don’t want to even bother trying to change any of these things. It’s
just about the here and now, and hopefully give insight into some of my actions
and reactions.
One article that I
could relate to - at least vaguely in some aspects - was: 6 Triggers and Tips to Avoid Disaster.
