Opening the Floodgates

I want to write this... but I'm not really sure how, at the moment... I've been struggling with my mind, lately. I've been struggling with urges of self-harm. I've been struggling with my heart, and where I want to go in life. I'd looked into the lock box I keep my meds in, after having refilled my pill boxes. I grabbed a half of an edible, and several hours later, here I am.

I can feel everything. I feel as though I am more hyper-aware of my five senses, allowing me to feel each and every minute sensation in complete detail. I feel more aware. I float beneath my eyes, from the vantage of the third eye, watching, feeling everything around me. I can feel so deeply, it reaches into another dimension.

I started watching an episode of Bones where the forensic anthropologist interns are tasked with identifying remains previously deemed unidentifiable. One of the remains becomes the primary focus because it was found to be directly related to 9/11. A homeless man, previously a Desert Storm veteran, was forgotten in our history, and the interns work to give this skeleton, this man... his life back. It's a tearjerker for even those not familiar with the series, I guarantee. They all recall the exact snippet of their lives in which 9/11 occurs. I couldn't help, after monologue after monologue, burst into tears.

The longer I endured crying about my own memories, suddenly unlocked and profoundly powerful, of 9/11 in my own life, the more I began to realise that my tears were for something else entirely. Officially, I arrived to the mutual severance of my longest and most profound relationship ever before. The show unlocked a gate to my true feelings in my life at this time.

I cried and grieved for a relationship lost. I grieved in acknowledgement of the profound power this loss has had in my life. I grieved for a love deeper than I had ever felt before. I acknowledged the profound nature of this transition and new path. 

Every inch of growth is a profound rebirth.

The Struggle of Struggling

Why is admitting to having a struggle so... well, much of a struggle? Why does it seem so impossible to change our perceptions of struggle being weakness? Largely, I would say, it is from past experiences when we admitted to struggling, or even just tested the waters with a small glimpse suggesting we might be struggling. After hearing phrases like, "Get over it," or "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps," or even "I'm so sorry for you!", we simply equate struggle of any kind to weakness. In our eyes, according to the clandestine, unspoken rule of society, we are never supposed to struggle. No, struggle means you're failing, and failing means you ARE a failure. This is why it's so difficult.

So what do those of us who are struggling do? Many need help, but are far too reluctant to ask for any. Their burdens become buried deep within the heart, eating away at the soul like wood rot setting in. If we do this for too long, our very foundations become so rotted and weak that we simply fall apart and collapse within ourselves. There is also another reason for not wanting to share that one is struggling: we don't want to be a 'burden' to others. It is this thought that we should never have to rely on others, let alone add any extra burden to their lives, but that is what is most important about having others in our lives. We are not social creatures who form bonds and communities because we are completely self-sufficient. No, we do this so that we can rely on one another when the need arises, and yet we don't. We continue to suppress our feelings and bury them deeply within ourselves.

I've noticed a common theme, in that those who take on everyone else's burdens bury their own burdens deep inside as to not burden anyone else. So carrying all of one's own burdens, and the burdens of others, becomes so impossibly exhaustive and destructive that we either implode or explode. Neither is good at all. We empaths, who connect on the deepest levels with others, and who feel a sense of duty and devotion to help relieve the world of sorrow and darkness, well... we try to stuff all of that sorrow and darkness within ourselves. We often feel that our purpose in life is not to ever be happy, but to soak up all of the darkness in the world that we can so that others don't have to have darkness in their lives, but this is an impossible, Sisyphean feat which could never be truly accomplished. No matter how good our intentions, no good truly comes of this self-destructive cycle. It eats away at us, one little nibble at a time.

So, in conclusion, we all need to try to lean on others a little more. We need to seek help more, confide in others more, and not be so afraid to share our struggles with others. But, in this same spirit, we should also try our best to help ourselves out of the struggle, and not rely wholly on others. Neither extreme is good or healthy in any way. A balance must be attained where everyone can feel safe to share their burdens, yet a commitment to also try to solve those burdens. It's never a bad thing to need to ask for help.

Embracing the Whole

I move forward and backward in time... I can feel my heart pulsating through my body, a mixture of heaviness and lightness in my limbs, a feeling as though - at any moment - gravity might disappear and I'll begin to float, suspended weightless mass that is caving in on itself. My breathing shallow, my head in a sort of daze, I struggle to think words, and yet I contemplate things far more complex than I otherwise could. In this state, the outside world both exists and doesn't. I feel as though on the outside looking in, seeing our entire dimension from another. The world is both vibrant and colorless, both light and dark, both shapeless and concrete. I feel as though I sink into my body, going further and further back into some darkness infinitely, and yet always contained in my body. I feel both within and detached from my physical being. The world, all existence, pulses with waves of energy.

I feel so separate from the world, and yet I feel closer than ever. I feel whole, yet I feel destined never to connect with another in the truly human way as I've ascended (yet sunken inside of myself) to spiritual transcendence. It's somewhat lonely and cold, yet I feel a warmth as though embracing and old friend with a powerful sense of nostalgia. I feel limitless sentimentality. I see my life fly by as though on a grand film, crossing and interweaving with countless others'. I'm an observer. No matter how much I wish to intervene, to take action, I float listlessly on the outside, in another state of consciousness, of being. All war, all conflict, seems menial and pointless. In this dimension, there is no good or bad, no positive or negative, no suffering or ambitions... All things simply exist. All things simply are.

A womanly figure made of spiritual essence embraces me with warm, open arms, kissing me and, in doing so, releases all that is tied to my mortality. All my worries, all my strife, all my struggles released. Everything flows freely into the ocean of time and space at once, each individual moment, though, actions, feeling a single drop in the infinite sea. My relationship to existence becomes like music. I am not hearing what is originating from one source to my being through direct transference, but by vibrations through the air that eventually reach me. I am exposed to all the universe, and yet it's only indirectly. I'm outside, but consumed.

This is but a vision of my eventual fate. As I die and decompose, I will become, once again, a part of the whole, giving and taking, creating and destroying. My spirit will float freely in a parallel existence, observing the entirety of the universe all at once and forever now, then, and to come. Up, down, forward, backward, side to side... None of these things exist, no Euclidean plane to pinpoint and exact. No, this is the quantum world, where past, present, and future, and all directions in time and space, exist in one place and everywhere at the same time, infinitely. This is the home I have forgotten. This is the home I will always return to...

On: The Self

I often feel surreally on the outside looking in, as though I know something that the entirety of the rest of the world is somehow blind to. I think how ignorant and foolish mankind is as I stare down at them in astonished wonderment as to how they could be so stupid! And then, after some time, I realise I was looking in the mirror but hadn't realise it. I realise how ignorant and arrogant I was, not to mention presumptuous. I just find it far easier to criticise and call out others in those regards than to call myself out. But then, I wonder, how am I supposed to teach anyone anything if I don't call them out, if I don't criticise them..? I'm not criticising in the most common sense, but in the sense of a well-meaning critique, intended to help provide guidance and improvement, yes? No, not so much. At least... not with the exclusion of myself. I cannot drone on about how no one is special without saying that I am not special. I cannot drone on about equality while raising myself above others. I cannot drone on about how selfless I am without saying how selfish I am, as well. There are two sides to every coin, after all, and I even say often enough how much duality has veins deep within my world-view and personal philosophies.

But this arrogance of my act simply demonstrates the point! I point out other's ignorance or arrogance, but in doing so, must also confront and point out my own. My spiritual views are pantheistic, and I believe all that is is God, and therefore God is all that is. Doesn't conflict with the bible, nor many other religious views, either, which I'm contented about. I also see the entire universe as fractals from the smallest things in existence to the very largest. Patterns woven into the fabric of reality over and over, creating bigger and bigger versions of those same patterns. I believe all is one, and one is all. Therefore, whenever I say something of someone else I hold to be true, is that not therefore true of me in some way? Is the world around me, and all those who fill it, not simply a reflection of myself in some way?

When I lash out, it's because I'm also lashing in, in essence. My loathing of the world tends to merely reflect my self-loathing. Likewise, others being happy can very well make me happy, even if I have no idea who it is that is happy – I merely know that they are happy, and that's enough. Their happiness makes me happy because the two – I and they – are reflections of one another. Likewise, I preach letting go of the ego – or the self – in favor of living for others, and yet acknowledge the necessity of serving one's self, lest they cannot serve others. Serving others, however, serves the self, just as much as one must serve the self in order to serve others. The two are one and the same, so really, I mean that one must let go of the illusion that the two are different. Oneness with God, in my views, is no different than Oneness with the Universe. Therefore, loving thy neighbor is fundamentally loving thyself, as well. These are what I personally hold to be mutually inalienable truths.

If others are delusional, then so am I. If others are dumb, then so am I. If others are selfish, then so am I. However... if others are intelligent, then so am I. If others are beautiful, then so am I. If others are loving, then so am I. One is One with God whether one wishes it or not, and yet I see Hell as the dissonance of one from God (and, therefore, the universe, including those around them.) This dissonance, this disconnect, causes friction and frustration, discord and dysphoria. You can believe or not believe in God, it does not matter. You can see God as merely a literary device or metaphor, but I implore you not to let religion or semantics get in the way of these words I write.

Accept your flaws when you can. Accept the flaws of others when you can. Accept your good qualities when you can. Accept the good qualities of others when you can. Accept yourself for who you are, but accept others for who they are, as well. This does not mean you should become complacent. This does not mean there is no need, nor reason, to change. However, in the moment, all is as it is, and nothing can change that, as change happens over time, and therefore cannot happen in the moment that all is as it is. Accept that you do not have power over all, but also accept that you are a part of the universal power over all that exists. The point is not to succeed in these things, nor is it to become a 'perfect' human being. Rather, by accepting these things, you accept the reality that such is quite impossible, and that no one is perfect. The point is simply to try. Try for yourself, but also try for others. Try for others for yourself, and try for yourself for others. Give to the universe, and you give to yourself. Give to yourself, and you give to the universe. However, by making a distinction, by giving to yourself purely for your own sake, you breed dissonance and discord with the universe, and by giving to the universe purely for the universe's sake, you breed self-destruction.

Shut-Down

If, in person, I seem mute, it's not my intention. My mind is going a million miles per hour, screaming, but my lips don't move, my voice does not resonate. As I become more and more overwhelmed, my body starts to shut down, piece by piece, and my voice is quite often one of those things that just seems to 'turn off.' At the worst, I can become totally non-responsive, and yet consciously and fully aware (except that my eyes also may be closed.) I become trapped in a shell that is my body, struggling to move even a single finger. Fear and terror fill my mind and turn into a cyclonic fireball of utter self-loathing and destruction. But this is all inside. No one can hear it, and no one can hear me. I scream, but not a noise comes out. I can appear almost dead, breathing shallowly, unresponsive to most stimuli, unable to speak or move, eyes often closed. And yet... I'm still there. My mind is still present. And so I am simply left there to listen, to feel, to hear, to smell, to taste, and sometimes - if I can manage to open my eyes - to see. But, with all of these things, I still cannot seem to interact with the world around me. Others begin to feel or treat me like I no longer exist, or like I'm some petulant poltergeist trying to nudge, pull, squeak - trying to make any kind of outward communication possible.

Many people can be left speechless. This is a whole other thing. Imagine being an android, but believing that you're a human. Suddenly, as if by remote control, your arms stop working. Someone just turned them off. No matter what you try to do, you can't move them voluntarily. Next, your legs. You collapse, unable to hold your own body up. You try to call for help, but your voice also got turned off. You have trouble moving your jaw, your lips, and your eyes get extremely heavy. All of your nerves still work, so you can feel every sensation, you are present of mind, but trapped inside of the cage that your body has become, unable to be heard, unable to do anything at all. It's isolating... Dreadful... One of the only things I can think of that might embody the true Hell.

Love..?

Dead.

Joy..?

Dead.

Hope..?

Dead.

Rationality..?

Dead.

Reality?

Dead.

People get divorced over this. Realities become so warped that it infects the actualities of the reality. What is depression? The brain... literally - and I do not mean figuratively, but literally - dying. Brain cells start decaying and dying, neural activity lessons, the spiritual and emotional centres of the brain undergo a brownout where all positivity is severed from consciousness. The happiness, joy, and love being stripped from you, and so suddenly, shreds your heart apart. You question everything you thought was true, and begin to doubt everything.


"Do I really love her?"

"Is this what I want for my life?"

"I'll never be happy again."

"Everything hurts."

"There's no forward, backward, left or right. I'm lost."

"I'll never get out of this dungeon!"

"Kill me. Please, kill me."

"I want to stab myself in the head with a pitchfork."

"I don't want you to see me like this!"

"Help... Please... Help me."

"I'm already dead inside. Just end my misery."

"No future... There is no future..."

"No one loves me."

"AHHHHHHHH!"

"I scream and scream, but nobody hears me."

"Trapped, locked in this cage. I can't get out. I'll die here."

"I can't take it anymore!"

"The world is better off without me."

These are the things people with major depression truly feel, think, and sometimes even say.

To the Healers

To the disillusioned, the world-weary, the beaten and the worn. To the aware, perceptive, intuitive, and empathetic. To the watchers of a world ablaze, and to those pulling others out of the fires at grave personal risk. To the wise and the wary. To those who guide, lead, and build...

Your work is Sisyphean, and yet you toil over it day after day. You don't truly see change, no matter your greatest efforts. So why do you do this? It is not truly about change or improvement. It is about balance. You are at the forefront of keeping the balance. Without you, the world would surely crumble. Everything hangs on by a thread, all thanks to you and others like you. You are dutiful, compassionate, truly life-saving. What do you get in return? A broken body, an exhausted mind, depression and anxiety, pain and tears. In this world, selfishness, disregard for others, narcissism, ruthlessness, a lack of conscience and morality, a cold heart... These are the qualities that provide worldly rewards.

You take the road less travelled, off the beaten path. You spend much of your life in solitude, even when surrounded by others. You are unique and rare in this world. There is an eternal blaze, and no matter your efforts you will never put it out, so you instead try to keep it from spreading. It is there, it is very real, and you've seen it consume all too many. Your acts are not for praise or reward, not for some ulterior motive... You do this not because you were asked and commanded. You do this because every fibre of your being says it is right, because your heart wrenches every time you see another person get burned. You realise that the 'self' is just a piece of the whole. You are like a cell of a body, or - more aptly - an atom. You make up such an infinitesimal piece of the universe. And yet, if each of you did not do what you do, disaster could occur. Even the Law of Conservation of Mass agrees that you are required for the Universe to be.

Others may hurt you, not appreciate you, look down on you... but do not let this deter you. They do not see the truth, the necessity of your existence. You do not take this path just for the sake of taking the path. You do not have some sense of self-righteousness or entitlement. You do what you do because it is who you are. Others may try to change you - do not let them. Do not change to suit others, but rather to improve upon who you already are. Seek enlightenment, improvement, and transcendence. Do not become disheartened when you fall, or when you make a mistake. Take the time you need, get up, and keep being true to yourself.

Innocence Lost... in Translation

Aspies (a fun and casual term for those with Asperger's) often find their words and intentions get lost in translation. We're blunt, we're honest, and we don't really pick up on other's intents and meanings, as well, either. But there is a fairly important difference between the misunderstandings of one with Asperger's and those of others who don't...

Imagine someone who is illiterate looking at a page full of words: "What are all these weird squiggly lines?" It wouldn't mean much to them would it. This is what body language, things like vocal intonation, many abstract concepts (like sarcasm), and other social cues are like. We don't pick up on these things as well as others, but we can still learn - we just need time and lots and lots of practice (not to mention a desire to put forth such effort.) So, if you see someone on the autism spectrum not understanding your feelings and intentions, try to consider your body language and vocal intonation, amongst other subtle cues, which come naturally to you, as that text on the page in front of the illiterate. They can't read it, but you can help teach them.

Now, how about the misunderstandings of those without autism? Okay, now imagine someone took an equivalent, or nearly equivalent, alphabet to write in English. A person who isn't familiar with both alphabets could get very confused. Let me give you an example: Кан ю рид дис? If you can't read that, you probably don't know Cyrillic, and unless you speak languages like Russian, Bulgarian, or Mongolian, you probably wouldn't be familiar with it. Trying to read an Aspie is like trying to read the same exact language... in a different, yet more or less equivalent, text. Just like an Aspie being able to learn the body language and social cues of non-Aspies, the inverse can be true, as well - non-Aspies can just as well learn the inner-workings and behaviors of Aspies.

The interesting thing about this is that Aspies are different, and yet very much the same. It's pretty much all a matter of perception - Aspies tend to perceive the world around them a bit, or a lot, differently from most other people, but it's all the same world. People with autism are really just humans like anyone else, with emotions, struggles, aspirations and goals, and who want to be loved and accepted. No matter how much we seem like it sometimes, we're not aliens. When a non-verbal autistic (typically regarded by most as 'retarded' and 'not worth trying to make understand') write, whether on a computer or text-to-voice program, or some other means of giving them a voice, people are realising, "Wow, they're really just like us!" Just because someone has different mannerisms, body language, perceptions, and has difficulty or is unable to speak, it does not mean they're stupid, idiots, retarded, or essentially vegetables of people who are burdens to society (this is truly what many, if not most, people believe, including medical professionals.)

If a foreigner came to your country, and didn't know your language, would you ridicule them and call them stupid for not understanding what you're saying? If you say yes, then you're one of the many ignorant individuals who probably thinks the above misinformation about Auties (like 'Aspies,' but for all autistics) is true.

Now, I'm going to say some generalisations that are true more often than not, but like all generalisations, certainly has its exceptions. People with autism:

• Are usually literal and take things at face value
• Don't like to bother with lying because it's more work than just telling the truth
• Are typically honest to a fault (consider if you really want to know the answer to what you ask!)
• Often just want to be accepted and loved, and will often try to do their best to receive such
• Are loyal to a fault (many with autism get taken advantage of for this)
• Are usually willing to try to learn new things if it's important to them that they do (like social skills)
• Just want others to be patient and understanding
• Usually need some degree of their own space, but can also be very clingy (try to go with the motions, providing them with the space and tranquillity they need, while also being there for them when they need)
• Usually have a thousand times as much going on in their head than they could ever verbalise
• Have co-morbid conditions like hypersensitivities (proneness to sensory overload, sensitivities to all five senses, and prone to hypersensitive immune systems, such as proneness to allergies), mood disorders, anxieties, ADHD, OCD (either tendencies or the full condition), psychotic disorders, neurological disorders, somatic illnesses, genetic conditions -- BUT KEEP IN MIND, THESE THINGS, THEMSELVES, ARE NOT THE AUTISM!
•  So on top of just seeing the world differently, not being able to naturally pick up on social cues (instead having to learn the behaviors intellectually, or utilise mimicking), having difficulty with abstract social constructs like subtext, ulterior motives, spite, and dishonesty, people with autism typically also have to deal with a wide array of psychological and physical ailments that simply coincide with their autism, but which make things all the harder

All of this said, some with autism do use their diagnosis as an excuse to behave badly. This isn't acceptable, and no one should use autism as an excuse to intentionally do wrong. That said, I think most with autism probably stay away from such behavior if they can, and if they do do something wrong or hurtful, it's probably unintentional. Honestly, I believe there is a reason why those with autism relate to animals so well. While we do have the brains of humans, many able to at least write eloquently, to be well educated and very knowledgeable, as well as even very self-aware, I think that, when it comes to social dynamics, we're more akin to animals. Animals don't lie or cheat, they don't plot... Animals take in what they see, they react, and they're deliberate in what they do - they won't deceive you. And animals that are loved can become some of the most loyal companions you will ever meet. They're innocent.