Déjà Vu

These déjà vus are getting more frequent. I used to only get déjà vu every once a while... maybe every other week, or so. But now... it's every day, multiple times a day, and each time I just instantly stop what I was doing and get sucked into it for just a moment... and then the feeling kind of lingers. They're mostly just emotions, senses, but not really pictures or scenes in my head. I mean, the scenes still pop up from time to time, but most of my déjà vu, lately, has been much more like emotions alone. I'll read, see, hear, feel... I'll sense something, and then a flood of emotion pours over me, sometimes nearly compelling me to cry, or outwardly and very clearly react. I'll feel just as I felt some time in the past - sometime I can't clearly recall - and then thirty seconds later, the small crack in the curtains, where I can just barely peek into some past event, gets closed, and I'm cut off. Thirty seconds, sometimes a little longer, sometimes a little shorter, and I simply can't recall the memory at all, but the feelings associated with the memory seem to stick around for some time. Sometimes hours, even, but rarely more than a day.

I keep on wondering, "Is this déjà vu? Are these even really memories, or real memories?" I have had an annoying case of the false memories for years, now, but those are usually just plain ol' 'memories,' faint holographs of events I thought happened, but never actually did. My mind has liked to rewrite history, or insert utterly false events altogether. But these... These have such strong emotions, it's hard to imagine that they're from false memories... It's driving me nuts. I feel like I had major amnesia, and also got brainwashed into believing I lived a whole life up to a certain point that I never even lived! And now I'm at the point in the movie where the main character starts recalling his real past, and realising the past he thought was his past wasn't even real. Now, obviously, I'm not that bad. I have more real memories (when I can access them!) than false ones. The false ones are just typically nuisances... Things that hold little true significance, but that I always seemed to recall. I can typically recall false memories much more easily than real memories. Real memories typically just... come to me. It's not that I can willingly recall them, it just happens whenever the hell it wants to! Usually when I'm trying the least, actually. Usually when I'm distracted or caught up in something, that thing that I'm absorbed into triggers the memory.

You know when you're just having a conversation, and then someone says something that reminds you of something else? It's kind of like that... It just suddenly pops into you're brain, and you're like, "Oh, yeah! I remember that!" Well, that's about the closest normal approximation I can think of for this. This is more like you're soul exists in more than one time, and the you from the present feels what your soul feels from events of the past. It's sort of like that intuition, shared sense, that twins are supposed to have, at least sometimes, but my twin is from the past, and doesn't yet exist, and when it exists now, I'll be in the future. Despite being in two different places on the timeline, I share those senses. That's what it feels like. It's also kind of like on TV shows when a character starts tweaking out because of broken, quick flashbacks where the audio and visuals cut in and out repeatedly. It's not so debilitating, of course, and much less clear... There's a strong vagueness to it. It's about as clear as a room full of smoke in a burning building. But just because you can't see it hardly at all, it doesn't mean the fire won't still burn you and the smoke won't still choke you.

I'm so tired of this crap... Even just one day of complete clarity would be grand, and then I could die, happily remembering what it's like to have any sense of clarity.