I wake up in darkness. I think to myself, "I fell asleep well enough
before noon; why's it so dark?" I check my phone beside my bed to see
what time it is. 22:16. How'd it get that late? I want to get up, but I
struggle. I feel paralysed and my body just wants to lull me back to
sleep, but my restless mind keeps me... somewhat awake. I think. Think
about all sorts of trivial things, and I think about why I can't get up,
why it's so dark, why I slept so long... Why? Finally, I muster up the
willpower to reach for my phone again. 22:45. I breathe deeply, somewhat
like a sigh, but mostly just to get oxygen to my brain. After more
paralysis, more cyclical thoughts, more mental agitation, I finally
build up the willpower to sit up. I reach for my phone again. 23:01.
Okay, time to get out of bed. Finally, I slide out of my bed, seeming as
though I hadn't used any of my limbs in decades, like I had been in a
coma, and I walk out. The hallway is mostly dark, but some light shines
down from the stairway to the main floor.
I begin to walk up the
stairs, and my eyes strain painfully to adjust to the difference in
lighting. After a few moments of pain, my eyes are adjusted. By the time
I get up the stairs, I suddenly get this... wellspring of energy. I
start fast-walking throughout the house, doing little things that
suddenly pop into my mind. I need to get that blanket and those pillows.
I forgot the water bottle. I need a tissue. I want some bubble gum. How
about some TV? Oh, gotta take my pills, first. Is it really Tuesday?
I'll wait until my mom gets back to ask her what day it is. I'll get
back to TV. Oh, how about I pet the cat? I'll return to the TV, again.
That spanned about five minutes. I literally walked to opposite ends of
the house repeatedly doing miniscule, almost purposeless things. I would
get something from one side of the house, then forget that I wanted to
do something on the other side of the house. I would then remember I
wanted to get something from another corner of the house. Up, down, side
to side... My heart was racing, my head was light, I felt like a
feather.
After hours of watching television, I eat, I reply to
messages online, et cetera, et cetera. 06:59. The time right now. 9
hours seemed like thirty minutes. But I didn't lose time; I was fully
aware of everything, if not hyper-aware. My mind was flying the entire
time, the gears turning so fast that it seemed like they were being
stripped and losing grip, yet rotating nonetheless, even if they didn't
accomplish anything by their rotations. I analysed, I pondered, and I
thought deeply. I was emotionally invested even in things that didn't
have a whole lot of emotion in the first place. My mind, my body, my
soul were being swayed to the current of whatever was around me. I
wasn't so much defined by what happened within me, but rather by what
happened around me. I was clear and transparent, allowing crystal
clarity into my surroundings. If anything, I was a conduit. I channelled
my surroundings, my influences, and my stressors. I may have often
channelled it silently, but it was channelled, nonetheless.
Now
my head feels like it's wearing a stone hat. Heavy on my spine, somehow
cutting off circulation to my cranium, perhaps even my brain. My eyes
are heavy and burn, my heart pumps slowly and silently, my breath is
fairly shallow. Where is that energy? Will I fall asleep and then wake
up temporarily paralysed again? When will I wake up, or go to
sleep, for that matter. I feel like something is wrong with my entire
nervous system, but I have no idea what. It feels... hmm... compressed.
Other times, it feels frazzled and twisted. And yet other times it feels
overcharged. Or even cut off. But at no time does it feel... right.
It's off, somehow, but I don't know why or what is causing it. Is it
fibromyalgia? Bipolar? Anxiety? Those are my big three. Fibromyalgia
seems like the most likely candidate. Dysautonomia - the dysfunction of
the autonomic nervous system. The things that are supposed to run more
or less without the necessity of thought or effort. You don't especially
have to think about digesting your food or breathing, or pumping your
own heart. These things, for the most part, typically work on their own.
Certainly, some things you can influence. You can purposely control
your breathing, but if you don't do it purposefully, it usually works
anyway. Anxious thoughts can certainly affect all of your 'autonomic'
functions, like heart rate, breathing, and - yes - even digestion.
Fibromyalgia can cause or even be the partial or whole result of some
form of dysautonomia. This path... feels right. I think it's this, I
think dysautonomia is causing these problems, but I don't know why. I
have no real connections I can tie.
A coma sounds very good right
now. Not have to think about all of these things, not have to worry
about staying up too long, or possibly getting nagged at for sleeping
too long, either. I mean, really, who nags at a coma patient for
sleeping too long? Usually the people are just happy when they finally
wake up! It would be interesting to see what the doctors could discover
while I was in a coma... I can't imagine what may be picked up in an MRI
or CT. If someone saw what was really going on in my brain and nervous
system... I wonder if I would get answers, or just more questions.
Normally, I run into dead ends or more questions, usually unable to find
any definitive answers. I would love to just once find answers.
A lot of frayed wires and loose bolts in this one.
No comments:
Post a Comment