I want to write this... but I'm not really sure how, at the moment... I've been struggling with my mind, lately. I've been struggling with urges of self-harm. I've been struggling with my heart, and where I want to go in life. I'd looked into the lock box I keep my meds in, after having refilled my pill boxes. I grabbed a half of an edible, and several hours later, here I am.
I can feel everything. I feel as though I am more hyper-aware of my five senses, allowing me to feel each and every minute sensation in complete detail. I feel more aware. I float beneath my eyes, from the vantage of the third eye, watching, feeling everything around me. I can feel so deeply, it reaches into another dimension.
I started watching an episode of Bones where the forensic anthropologist interns are tasked with identifying remains previously deemed unidentifiable. One of the remains becomes the primary focus because it was found to be directly related to 9/11. A homeless man, previously a Desert Storm veteran, was forgotten in our history, and the interns work to give this skeleton, this man... his life back. It's a tearjerker for even those not familiar with the series, I guarantee. They all recall the exact snippet of their lives in which 9/11 occurs. I couldn't help, after monologue after monologue, burst into tears.
The longer I endured crying about my own memories, suddenly unlocked and profoundly powerful, of 9/11 in my own life, the more I began to realise that my tears were for something else entirely. Officially, I arrived to the mutual severance of my longest and most profound relationship ever before. The show unlocked a gate to my true feelings in my life at this time.
I cried and grieved for a relationship lost. I grieved in acknowledgement of the profound power this loss has had in my life. I grieved for a love deeper than I had ever felt before. I acknowledged the profound nature of this transition and new path.
Every inch of growth is a profound rebirth.
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