The Black Hole of Nihilism Born of Sisyphean Reality in the Face of Disability

     I've done what I think is a fair amount of 'cyber' activism. I'm not exactly the sort to get out into the world much, let alone carry picket signs on the streets. My alternative is, therefore, to spread information online via what limited networking I have available to me. Online, you turn up a whole lot of in-the-streets type of activism in articles, blogs, and news snippets. Both online and offline, however, I seem to notice the same, tired political agendas rebranded and renamed; the same old limited ideologies, tunnel vision, and Sisyphean 'feats.'
     The social movements mirror the world around: black and white. Sometimes, this is both literal and figurative. All or nothing, yes or no, binary 0s and 1s... All of these movements feel depressing and lifeless, no matter what side you're on, when you see this Weldschmertz-inducing pattern recognition. People become filters, catching causes and views as they pass by. Even individual qualities, unique points of view, end up just being a result of collectivity. I learned some time ago that people are only unique so far as their particular collection of otherwise mundane qualities go. This seems to be far truer with crowds and groups, becoming a singular organism comprised of a collective. Drones of many species, but most renowned of bees, serve a purpose. There is more strength in a collective than an individual. Individuals who make impacts do so by forming a collective around them.
     I am acknowledging that they serve a purpose in nature, in life and societies. They're naturally occurring. Herds, colonies, flocks, swarms, and so on. Humans are not unique or special. Humans are not supernatural (as in 'above' or 'beyond nature.') Rather, because of the very nature of our existence, we are well within the confines of nature, like any other living organism. We are animals, factually and not pejoratively. The things we do and make are within the confines of nature by the very fact that they do not extend beyond natural laws, the laws of physics, chemistry...
     The more I try to stop and think before diving into a new idea, view, movement, or ideology, the more I find myself at a standstill. The more I try to be active in the world, the more I seem to become a drone. It seems impossible to be both an independent thinker and an active force in the world. Even the 'queens' of the world that seem to control the 'drones' seem to be the result of the same continuous patterns of nature, without true unique, independent thought. They're just one more kind of amalgam of experiences and information passed down one generation to the next.
     At what point does activism just become politics, or is it all the same, in the end? When are politics ideals? Ideals biological impulses? Biological impulses chemistry? It seems as though it is as likely for free-will to exist as it is for it to all be a delusional sham: vibrations and reactions that can all be accounted for in algorithmic form. What's the meaning of life? Maybe there is none. Do any of us matter? Perhaps as likely as not (think something like Schrödinger's cat.) It's these same questions, which often lead nowhere, in the end, that get me in the locked-up standstill. But being active in the world often involves foregoing thought, more or less, and submitting to a sort of herd or tribe mentality.
     It's all exhausting. It's all mind-numbing. My version of "increased activity" or "improvement" is typically still a fraction of the statistical mean. I have what seems to be an incredibly limited amount of action and energy to devote to anything, each day, often building up to some kind of combustion, which temporarily disrupts even that limitation. It's incredibly frustrating knowing that, no matter what treatments, therapies, or strategies I try out, I will always have such a finite amount of energy to devote to anything in life. Forces my hand to either pick-and-choose extremely selectively, or to give up and do nothing. Freeze instead of bothering to make such choices. I lose faith in causes, movements, activism... I lose faith in life and purpose...
    Some with similar struggles and obstacles as myself (mood disorders, anxiety disorders, chronic pain and fatigue, autism, take your pick) often drown themselves in activism and causes. At some point, however, I watch these people and can pick apart their actions, their positions, and always conclude either a delusion of free will or simple futility. I find some kind of flaw, some kind of hypocrisy or contradiction, in their ideologies, actions, views... No matter how passionate I become, how certain and filled with conviction I become, I always arrive at the same place of disillusionment, exhaustion, and pointlessness. And then... I begin rolling the boulder back up the hill, once again.