Alexithymia

Derived from a brief discussion I had. I'd realised after first saying it that I had, to my surprise, worded things rather well. This is an irony I've become strangely familiar with:

I spent most of my life thus far viewing my emotions as either extremes (mania, aggressive, panicked) or as incredibly flat (blah, fine, okay, blank, empty, nothing), but it seems to be due to alexithymia (difficulty identifying, defining, and/or expressing emotions.) I used clinical terminologies based on objective observations (ergo manic, depressed, anxious), and I only identified the emotions that were extreme enough or 'bad' enough to be quite obvious.

While I thought I was fully aware of what I did and did not feel, it turned out I had a massive blind spot for nearly every normal, even healthy, emotion. They were there, but my cognitive instrument for seeing them was calibrated for far too little sensitivity. The limited sensitivity meant I had profound difficulty even picking up on the more moderate and lesser emotions. I also came to confuse behavior for emotion, though the two are far from the same (and, often enough, paradoxical.)

I've had to very, very carefully 'listen' for what I was feeling at any given moment. I had to find a great deal of silence, time alone - an emotionally and mentally sterile environment. I needed, and still often need, this kind of environment (to the best of my abilities) so that I may exclude all the noise and peripheral data.

Finally, with much time and dedication, I've become overall more attuned to the finer, subtler waves beneath the waves. I can better identify emotions big and small that are woven into the fabric of my mind. I'd simply taken them for granted, and misunderstood them. Now I see my emotions are ceaseless; they merely vary in frequency, magnitude, and form. I eat a blueberry, and I can identify that the sourness can be slightly irritating and surprising, but the fruitiness and earthiness can be pleasant and soothing. All of that is emotion, and it briefly flickers by, easily unnoticed or forgotten. But it was there, and it's an important piece of my subjective, human experience.