It has been over 34 hours since I'd woken up, a cold and dreary Sunday dawn. I made the mistake of pushing through a little further and going on a trip to the store. There were a few other stops, really, I had adrenaline coursing through my veins, I'd had a few bowls, caffeine, plus the mistake of an Altoid on an empty stomach during a long, stop-and-go, winding drive. All of this, of course, was unforeseen, and I'd have just stayed home like I originally intended had I known what was to come.
Nausea, vertigo, headache - I felt miserable. When we arrived at the store, I opted to stay in the car, where I soothed my stomach and began writing this as a distraction (a fairly effective one at that.) I still dread the parts to come and daydream of sleeping in my bed, right now.
I was depressed. Anxious, too, with a dash of paranoia. That's how it started in the drizzly, cold Sunday morning. I started the day with more of a pick-me-up. I sort of drifted through the day, dissociating and fading in and out. Time sped and slowed, warped and inconsistent. I had intellectual engagements, even started to feel less disengaged.
That night, I'd vaporise a pipe of tobacco for the first time - a far better experience than smoking a cigarette, but not much more appealing. I returned to my favored plant the rest of the time. Later in the night, atop the nicotine, pouring adrenaline in my veins, I also had some of my Aunt's French press coffee.
Derealisation. Everything began to turn surreal (almost time for my next dose of lithium and clomipramine, come to think of it - a few more hours.) Everything became satire, absurd, unreal, even dilirious.
Another miserable, winding car ride. I can't stand the vertigo, the sea-sickness on land.
I'll work on settling my stomach, taking my meds, and going to sleep. Almost home...
No comments:
Post a Comment