People look at me and my life and think I'm just not trying very hard - that I'm overly privileged because I can just drop everything and stay cooped up in my house. But they don't realise that every single day of my life is a struggle just to stay alive. If it weren't for my fighting spirit, I feel as though my body would've just given up and I'd have faded from existence a long time ago. But no, my spirit keeps me going, driving me from one day to the other in hopes that I might be able to climb back up out of the hole I fell into and just live! I'm still here because of hope and because of those little moments like with the homemade mocha. All of the little things culminate into something great that keeps me going.
Depression can be defined in its most simplistic form as pressing down on something or someone. Depression is a pressure or force on the body and the mind, which can be caused by both external and internal sources. But, ironically, an atmospheric depression seems to release this pressure, making the weight on my shoulders seem to vanish. That feeling is so pivotal because of its antithetical nature to my depression. I welcome the storms. I embrace and love the storms - especially that peaceful moment just before. I may not be able to access that wonderful, powerful, amazing part of my mind anymore, but I feel that - one day - I'll be able to dig and dig deep enough that it'll come bursting out. And it is hope that makes me believe - a force greater than the forces of nature. Hope is the driving force of humanity, and it has gotten me this far. If I give up on hope, now, it'll be like swimming half-way and then turning back.
I once nearly drowned. I was just four or five years old. Most people think that drowning would be extremely scary, but I don't think that. As the water filled my lungs, I quickly began to lose oxygen to my brain. This caused me to begin to fall into a very dreamy state. I didn't feel any kind of pain and can't even remember pain. The process was amazingly fast. I may have struggled at first, as anyone would, but I don't really remember that part, either. What I remember most was this amazing peacefulness I felt. Everything started to become dark and my eyes began to close, the sunlight above refracting into the pool water. I stopped thinking - I wasn't really in a conscious state, but I was still oddly aware. I saw a humanoid shadow block out the sun and start to come to me when everything went dark. Moments later, I was wide awake, chlorinated water spewing out one horrible cough at a time.
I know I was terrified, especially afterward. I had trouble learning to swim for years and years afterward, completely petrified of water that merely went higher than my nose, let alone truly deep water. But I also had a growing fascination with water. Some of the most peaceful moments in life come from the most tragic of moments. Sometimes, horror breeds purity and calm. I think this is how some of my deepest depressions were; I would have some of the calmest, most tranquil moments when I was the most depressed and hit the rockiest of bottoms. I'd watch the sun rise and let life hand me the self-therapy I needed so direly. Seeing the quiet, lovely nature that somehow manages to survive amongst all of the asphalt and concrete, when cars aren't driving about and people aren't yet awake, and the world is still for a brief period, I could find peace.
I've never really been able to find true meaningfulness in life without crashing badly. Steady moods were stagnant and unproductive. Highs were more delusional, temporary, and empty. But those lingering lows that took so long to climb out of were like trials for my soul to bring about enlightenment. And when I'd rise, I'd rise a little taller. Depression tempers the soul into a finer, sharper steel, wrought out of the blackest, most brittle iron. It's a very difficult process, and takes its toll time after time, but it always imparts something a little greater.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Wellbutrin, Wonders or Worries?
I recently got on Wellbutrin, an atypical anti-depressant, for my bipolar depression. It usually works within the first one or two weeks, and - right around the start of week two - I started to notice effects fitting of Wellbutrin. Apparently, Wellbutrin can cause hypersomnia (lengthier nighttime sleeping, more daytime sleepiness and/or sleeping, and such), and one study I read said that it was most prevalent within the first month of use. Well, guess what! I started sleeping for 12 hours a day rather uncontrollably. And then, when I wake, before I know it, my mouth is flapping uncontrollably, exhausting mom just from having to listen to me talk! Hmm... think the hypomania's acting up! Wellbutrin is supposed to have a decreased incidence of this in bipolar patience in comparison to other anti-depressants, but I'm always the exception to the rule, it seems. It's also supposed to have a decreased incidence of '(hypo)manic switching,' switching being a term that refers to suddenly and quickly switching from one mood (e.g. depression) to another (e.g. mania.) In some people, the switching can seem almost instantaneous. Well, I've noticed a little of that, too - from sudden bouts of depression and loneliness to equally sudden bouts of hypomania.
Now, Wellbutrin is supposed to also be able to help with ADHD. To what extent, I'm not completely certain. If it has helped, I'd probably need a pair of outside eyes to weigh in, as the hypomanic moods and quick shifts of lethargy and depression have somewhat occupied all of my cranial space. I did just recently score an 86 on a scale that ends at '70 and above' for ADHD, but that was apparently given lifelong experiences, especially in adulthood (since I really just reached that, I included all of my teen years in the considerations.) I have noticed that I can keep on a topic when talking a little better - spewing out words a hundred at a time, but usually still on topic. It's hard to tell anything else, though, when manic symptoms and ADHD symptoms overlap so much and are so similar, so obviously during a manic episode, what's causing what will appear a bit vague and ambiguous. I have, however, stated to my NP on more than one occasion that I want to maintain my mood somewhere around hypomanic and level, though that might take much more of a toll on those around me than on myself.
On the plus side, I have been getting that extra energy boost I've been wanting, but then again, at what cost? Sleeping for an average of 12 hours - effectively taking half of my day away - makes there a lot less time to utilise that energy. While I have gotten some more things done in that time - even though my current tasks have been relatively irrelevant to life - perhaps just balancing it out. I have had less pain in the time the Wellbutrin seemed to have started to kick in, which could incidentally be a result of the hypomania and increased dopamine from the Wellbutrin. I've actually been able to get little workouts in for almost every day in the past week, which is definitely a plus, and might allow me to eventually work back to the point of being able to climb a single flight of stairs without feeling out of breath! Or to walk around Walmart for a little while without feeling like killing myself just to make the pain go away - especially in my joints. My NP actually asked if I had osteoporosis from how inactive I've been! I'm quite certain that would be some ways down the way, though.
So to list the pros and cons of Wellbutrin as of week three (week two since it kicked in)....
Pros: Overall elevated mood, shorter episodes of depression, increased energy, possible decrease of ADHD symptoms (though that's yet to really be confirmed), hypomania
Cons: More mood 'switching,' sleeping for 12 hours at a time, possibility of worse panicking (yet to be seen, though), hypomania
And yes, hypomania went into both categories.
Now, Wellbutrin is supposed to also be able to help with ADHD. To what extent, I'm not completely certain. If it has helped, I'd probably need a pair of outside eyes to weigh in, as the hypomanic moods and quick shifts of lethargy and depression have somewhat occupied all of my cranial space. I did just recently score an 86 on a scale that ends at '70 and above' for ADHD, but that was apparently given lifelong experiences, especially in adulthood (since I really just reached that, I included all of my teen years in the considerations.) I have noticed that I can keep on a topic when talking a little better - spewing out words a hundred at a time, but usually still on topic. It's hard to tell anything else, though, when manic symptoms and ADHD symptoms overlap so much and are so similar, so obviously during a manic episode, what's causing what will appear a bit vague and ambiguous. I have, however, stated to my NP on more than one occasion that I want to maintain my mood somewhere around hypomanic and level, though that might take much more of a toll on those around me than on myself.
On the plus side, I have been getting that extra energy boost I've been wanting, but then again, at what cost? Sleeping for an average of 12 hours - effectively taking half of my day away - makes there a lot less time to utilise that energy. While I have gotten some more things done in that time - even though my current tasks have been relatively irrelevant to life - perhaps just balancing it out. I have had less pain in the time the Wellbutrin seemed to have started to kick in, which could incidentally be a result of the hypomania and increased dopamine from the Wellbutrin. I've actually been able to get little workouts in for almost every day in the past week, which is definitely a plus, and might allow me to eventually work back to the point of being able to climb a single flight of stairs without feeling out of breath! Or to walk around Walmart for a little while without feeling like killing myself just to make the pain go away - especially in my joints. My NP actually asked if I had osteoporosis from how inactive I've been! I'm quite certain that would be some ways down the way, though.
So to list the pros and cons of Wellbutrin as of week three (week two since it kicked in)....
Pros: Overall elevated mood, shorter episodes of depression, increased energy, possible decrease of ADHD symptoms (though that's yet to really be confirmed), hypomania
Cons: More mood 'switching,' sleeping for 12 hours at a time, possibility of worse panicking (yet to be seen, though), hypomania
And yes, hypomania went into both categories.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Painful Pane of Glass
Have you ever watched yourself as you were commandeered?
Have you ever felt that you were on the sideline of your own life?
Have you ever, have you ever watched through that painful pane of glass?
Have you ever felt you weren’t you, and no longer in control?
Like a horrible flood, or a slaughter for blood.
Like a big horrid storm that’s become the new norm.
Like a sick psychopath making a big, big blood bath.
Like a volcanic ash cloud that seems to swallow the ground.
Have you ever seen yourself commit suicide, or try and try?
Have you ever seen yourself beat so to shit by your very own fists?
Have you ever seen yourself tear up the ground and swallow your loved ones whole?
Have you ever felt you weren’t you, and no longer in control?
I cry in the corner, not sure of myself, not sure of what I am.
I try to hold it all in so you cannot see, you can’t see me for me.
Like a werewolf at night, I turn and tear up the living nearby.
I’m a vampire in bloodlust, draining you for all of your trust.
Like a horrible flood, or a slaughter for blood.
Like a big horrid storm that’s become the new norm.
Like a sick psychopath making a big, big blood bath.
Like a volcanic ash cloud that seems to swallow the ground.
Have you ever fallen out of yourself, like you died and your soul had departed?
Have you ever watched yourself tear down everything you ever loved?
Have you ever felt your own heart ripped out by your very own hand?
Have you ever felt you weren’t you, and no longer in control?
Sometimes I just want it to end, even if it meant I’d just die.
Sometimes I’m so sick of myself, I don’t want to show my face.
Sometimes I think I’d be better of buried and out of your life.
Sometimes I just cannot see anything else but strife.
Have you ever felt you weren’t you, and no longer in control?
Have you ever felt that you were on the sideline of your own life?
Have you ever, have you ever watched through that painful pane of glass?
Have you ever felt you weren’t you, and no longer in control?
Like a horrible flood, or a slaughter for blood.
Like a big horrid storm that’s become the new norm.
Like a sick psychopath making a big, big blood bath.
Like a volcanic ash cloud that seems to swallow the ground.
Have you ever seen yourself commit suicide, or try and try?
Have you ever seen yourself beat so to shit by your very own fists?
Have you ever seen yourself tear up the ground and swallow your loved ones whole?
Have you ever felt you weren’t you, and no longer in control?
I cry in the corner, not sure of myself, not sure of what I am.
I try to hold it all in so you cannot see, you can’t see me for me.
Like a werewolf at night, I turn and tear up the living nearby.
I’m a vampire in bloodlust, draining you for all of your trust.
Like a horrible flood, or a slaughter for blood.
Like a big horrid storm that’s become the new norm.
Like a sick psychopath making a big, big blood bath.
Like a volcanic ash cloud that seems to swallow the ground.
Have you ever fallen out of yourself, like you died and your soul had departed?
Have you ever watched yourself tear down everything you ever loved?
Have you ever felt your own heart ripped out by your very own hand?
Have you ever felt you weren’t you, and no longer in control?
Sometimes I just want it to end, even if it meant I’d just die.
Sometimes I’m so sick of myself, I don’t want to show my face.
Sometimes I think I’d be better of buried and out of your life.
Sometimes I just cannot see anything else but strife.
Have you ever felt you weren’t you, and no longer in control?
Progress, or Hindrance?
For the online game I've been playing, I wanted to address an issue in the forum and propose a possible fix. In the game, you can invade a neighboring empire and plunder any one of their buildings every 24 hours as long as you can breach their defences. Naturally, the stronger players in each neighborhood decimate the weaker players and try to take their most valuable things. These valuable things are necessary to make progress in the game. Many players have been complaining for some time about the plundering option, and even leaving the game entirely, while - of course - mostly the dominant, higher ranked players are just calling the sufferers whiners. Many of these stronger players seemingly devote their lives to the game and will breach a neighbors defences and then wait up to the allotted 24-hour window to plunder that neighbor when they're best producers are done producing! People who can't play so obsessively and constantly obviously have to have larger periods of being offline before they can come back and collect their stuff. Each player can choose various lengths of time for producing from anywhere between just 5 minutes at a time to 48 hours! The longer period you choose, the more stuff you get at the time of collecting (though if you could be there to collect every 5 minutes, it would be drastically more efficient than every 4, 8, 24, or 48 hours; that's just not realistic for many people, or probably most people.)
My person experience from being on the wrong end of plundering has obviously colored my views on the subject, for if I were a much more successful fighter and plunderer, I obviously wouldn't be trying to 'fix' the plundering system to limit my plundering abilities in any way - but this isn't a bad thing. See, I've been through the game's forums and I've seen argument after argument for both sides and took both sides into heavy consideration. Some people wanted to only limit the plundering so that those who are being plundered get only a benefit and those plundering get only a limitation. I don't agree with - the 'fix' shouldn't purely help one and hinder another. Others have quite bluntly said that people who get plundered should just 'get used to it,' also not a viable option. The game specifically lays it out so that you can focus on military might, trading, or something in between, but because of the plundering option, it's much harder to be a trader or something in-between when you aren't strong enough to defend yourself, retaliate, or plunder, and they're taking your only real means to progressing in the game.
Some people have gotten it much worse than me, having it seem like a whole neighborhood is ganging up on them at once - as many as 79 other players! This is brutal and completely decimates that player's ability to progress in the game. Now, here's the big thing - it's an online game, so it should be able to be played by a wide range of people. Making it so that only a select, elite group of people can play a MASSIVELY MULTIPLAYER ONLINE (MMO) GAME is ridiculous! Also, it's a free game, but people who spend money on extras (particular diamonds, which can be used to progress in absolutely every aspect of the game) get such a clear advantage that - even when they should be at the same level as another player - they can essentially rule whole neighborhoods of 79 other players. I've heard an argument that every MMO is like this, but every MMO I've ever played in the past let players be able to keep to themselves and go at their own pace without any real problems. One MMO that I've played over the course of a several years, I've been absent most of the time. Do I feel like I've lost the ability to play, like other players are going to murder me when I sleep or am offline, or like I'm 'missing out' because of going at my own, very slow pace? Not at all! I hop back on every once in a while and get to playing as usual. The player(s) who say that every MMO is so competitive obviously has only played MMOs that focus on competition. This game that I'm playing, however - Forge of Empires - is somewhere in-between and made with the clear intention to allow for competition, but also allow for more relaxed players. This isn't how it is in practice, however!
My idea was to add a button on every player's screen so that they can toggle whether or not they want protection from plundering. By getting protection, they sacrifice the ability to fight other players and, consequently, plunder other players. Other players, however, can still attack the people who are protected from plundering, and can gain points for defeating their defending army (default 2 of the lowest ranked military units.) This makes it impossible for players to no longer be able to gain points by battling other players, preserving the core Player-versus-Player aspect of the game, while protecting those who wish to opt out of the competitive part of the game. Now, attacking another player doesn't hurt them at all! If you defeat their defending army, their army is immediately restored and they don't have to worry about being defenceless (can't always say this about the attackers, as any units they lose they have to replace.) So by allowing players protected from plundering to be able to still be attacked, they are completely unaffected, but the players who want to continue fighting other players can continue do so!
There was a point brought up that I had already thought about that if the protection could be toggled at-will, someone might attack and plunder a neighbor and then immediately turn on the protection, making retaliation impossible. Since you can only attack and plunder once every 24 hours, I thought that it would be effective to make it so that the protection option can only be toggled every 48 hours. This makes it so that, if they come out of the protection mode to attack, they are vulnerable for 48 whole hours! If they turn on the protection again after that, then they can no longer attack other enemies for 48 whole hours! It makes it so that toggling it on and off is very inefficient, and thus can't be easily abused. I've seriously looked at this from every angle I can think of - unlike most, single-minded players - to come up with a win-win solution. It allows players to live in harmony without one minority constantly suffering and another minority constantly dominating! Everyone could also then play at their own pace with their own style. For some reason, many people can't see this, especially on the plunderers' side. They think that it would 'completely eliminate' the fighting aspect of the game, when I've distinctly tried to preserve that aspect. Most say that they attack for the points, and plunder as a 'reward' for breaching a person's defences. The thing is, if the person is virtually defenceless, then those people are getting a 'reward' without any real sacrifice, and plundering only hurts one and helps another, unlike all of the other aspects of the game that focus on win-win, or win-neutral situations. Plundering, as it is now, makes the game horribly unbalanced!
Now that I'm finally being able to see things from different perspectives - a trait that doesn't come very naturally to people like me - I'm taking flack for it by people who can't see the situation from different perspectives! It feels terribly unfair. I'm doing my best to come up with a solution that works for everyone, not simply hindering one and helping another, and people are getting mad at me for it! Now it feels like it would be better to be single-minded and fit in with a certain 'group' of people who think the same way than to be devoid of any group of thinkers and take flack from most everyone. I've read just about everywhere that people with bipolar and various other related illnesses need to learn to see from other's perspectives since many of us apparently are lacking in that department, but it appears to me that most people are devoid from being able to see a situation from multiple perspectives. If this is the case, I'm just putting all this effort into learning a trait that no one else actually really shares. It's supposed to be 'helpful and healthy,' but I feel like it's just a disadvantage in one way or another. I thought something better would come from it - a novel, balanced idea that could be appreciated from both sides. But, just as in life, the power-hungry want to remain in power, and the weak want the tormenting to stop, but no one actually does anything about either. Capitalism - a total crock. No wonder so many people hate America! (and any other imposing, power-hungry, dominating country that they aren't a part of.)
My person experience from being on the wrong end of plundering has obviously colored my views on the subject, for if I were a much more successful fighter and plunderer, I obviously wouldn't be trying to 'fix' the plundering system to limit my plundering abilities in any way - but this isn't a bad thing. See, I've been through the game's forums and I've seen argument after argument for both sides and took both sides into heavy consideration. Some people wanted to only limit the plundering so that those who are being plundered get only a benefit and those plundering get only a limitation. I don't agree with - the 'fix' shouldn't purely help one and hinder another. Others have quite bluntly said that people who get plundered should just 'get used to it,' also not a viable option. The game specifically lays it out so that you can focus on military might, trading, or something in between, but because of the plundering option, it's much harder to be a trader or something in-between when you aren't strong enough to defend yourself, retaliate, or plunder, and they're taking your only real means to progressing in the game.
Some people have gotten it much worse than me, having it seem like a whole neighborhood is ganging up on them at once - as many as 79 other players! This is brutal and completely decimates that player's ability to progress in the game. Now, here's the big thing - it's an online game, so it should be able to be played by a wide range of people. Making it so that only a select, elite group of people can play a MASSIVELY MULTIPLAYER ONLINE (MMO) GAME is ridiculous! Also, it's a free game, but people who spend money on extras (particular diamonds, which can be used to progress in absolutely every aspect of the game) get such a clear advantage that - even when they should be at the same level as another player - they can essentially rule whole neighborhoods of 79 other players. I've heard an argument that every MMO is like this, but every MMO I've ever played in the past let players be able to keep to themselves and go at their own pace without any real problems. One MMO that I've played over the course of a several years, I've been absent most of the time. Do I feel like I've lost the ability to play, like other players are going to murder me when I sleep or am offline, or like I'm 'missing out' because of going at my own, very slow pace? Not at all! I hop back on every once in a while and get to playing as usual. The player(s) who say that every MMO is so competitive obviously has only played MMOs that focus on competition. This game that I'm playing, however - Forge of Empires - is somewhere in-between and made with the clear intention to allow for competition, but also allow for more relaxed players. This isn't how it is in practice, however!
My idea was to add a button on every player's screen so that they can toggle whether or not they want protection from plundering. By getting protection, they sacrifice the ability to fight other players and, consequently, plunder other players. Other players, however, can still attack the people who are protected from plundering, and can gain points for defeating their defending army (default 2 of the lowest ranked military units.) This makes it impossible for players to no longer be able to gain points by battling other players, preserving the core Player-versus-Player aspect of the game, while protecting those who wish to opt out of the competitive part of the game. Now, attacking another player doesn't hurt them at all! If you defeat their defending army, their army is immediately restored and they don't have to worry about being defenceless (can't always say this about the attackers, as any units they lose they have to replace.) So by allowing players protected from plundering to be able to still be attacked, they are completely unaffected, but the players who want to continue fighting other players can continue do so!
There was a point brought up that I had already thought about that if the protection could be toggled at-will, someone might attack and plunder a neighbor and then immediately turn on the protection, making retaliation impossible. Since you can only attack and plunder once every 24 hours, I thought that it would be effective to make it so that the protection option can only be toggled every 48 hours. This makes it so that, if they come out of the protection mode to attack, they are vulnerable for 48 whole hours! If they turn on the protection again after that, then they can no longer attack other enemies for 48 whole hours! It makes it so that toggling it on and off is very inefficient, and thus can't be easily abused. I've seriously looked at this from every angle I can think of - unlike most, single-minded players - to come up with a win-win solution. It allows players to live in harmony without one minority constantly suffering and another minority constantly dominating! Everyone could also then play at their own pace with their own style. For some reason, many people can't see this, especially on the plunderers' side. They think that it would 'completely eliminate' the fighting aspect of the game, when I've distinctly tried to preserve that aspect. Most say that they attack for the points, and plunder as a 'reward' for breaching a person's defences. The thing is, if the person is virtually defenceless, then those people are getting a 'reward' without any real sacrifice, and plundering only hurts one and helps another, unlike all of the other aspects of the game that focus on win-win, or win-neutral situations. Plundering, as it is now, makes the game horribly unbalanced!
Now that I'm finally being able to see things from different perspectives - a trait that doesn't come very naturally to people like me - I'm taking flack for it by people who can't see the situation from different perspectives! It feels terribly unfair. I'm doing my best to come up with a solution that works for everyone, not simply hindering one and helping another, and people are getting mad at me for it! Now it feels like it would be better to be single-minded and fit in with a certain 'group' of people who think the same way than to be devoid of any group of thinkers and take flack from most everyone. I've read just about everywhere that people with bipolar and various other related illnesses need to learn to see from other's perspectives since many of us apparently are lacking in that department, but it appears to me that most people are devoid from being able to see a situation from multiple perspectives. If this is the case, I'm just putting all this effort into learning a trait that no one else actually really shares. It's supposed to be 'helpful and healthy,' but I feel like it's just a disadvantage in one way or another. I thought something better would come from it - a novel, balanced idea that could be appreciated from both sides. But, just as in life, the power-hungry want to remain in power, and the weak want the tormenting to stop, but no one actually does anything about either. Capitalism - a total crock. No wonder so many people hate America! (and any other imposing, power-hungry, dominating country that they aren't a part of.)
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Mine Your Grey Matter
I was doing some random research, which tends to yield some of the most interesting finds. The research spanned from the mysteries of the brain to truths about the Mayan Calendar (and subsequently debunking, or at least easing, most suspicions.) But I want to focus on the first part - the brain. Sometime down the line, going from one thread of information to another, I came across a series of articles about emotional processing in the brain. One thing that it brought up that really stuck with me - even though it's actually quite obvious when you think about it - is how memories are what our minds and brains use to reference how we should react to emotions and situations that trigger emotions. For instance, someone who had an ex girlfriend who constantly eyed other men would probably become jealous when their new romantic interest was also eyeing other men. We take previous experiences and apply them to present and future ones, for better or worse.
I have terrible memory - just awful recollecting capabilities. I will do something that is completely emotional charged one day, and then completely forget it the next. Connection? I think there's definitely a possibility. If I can't easily recollect how I went through previous experiences, how am I suppose to learn from them? Sure, some very major events have stuck with me - like the time that I almost drowned... or, rather, the times... my first break-up, my first clear manic episode, when someone I didn't know, but would come to call a dear friend, embraced me when I was extremely depressed... Most of these experiences were bad, and I've forgotten most of the good memories (though, if I can't recall them, were they hardly memories to begin with?) The 'good' in my life is most often recalled by those around me, while I usually draw blanks. This likely caused for me to react to most bad situations with negative emotions that I can recollect, whereas I seem to often react to good situations as if for the first time - like it's some alien, otherworldly event.
Now, sure, I can recollect some of these things to an extent, but it's mostly vague, and it's probably largely because it's surrounded by negative connotations which - like I said before - I seem to hold onto that stuff. When I talk about myself, I very, very seldom talk about, or at least start with, the positive stuff. That takes a lot more time and effort to come up with and decipher. I would say that perhaps my logical, and negative, 'left hemisphere' dominates, but then how would that account for my creativity and abstract ideas? If this could simply be explained by some kind of brain hemisphere dominance, one side would more obviously seem to dominate. I'm also not especially rational (look at all of my anxieties, which are by definition irrational!), and the left side is supposed to be 'rational!' Though, sure, perhaps I can't rationalise because the right side doesn't interpret things for my left side enough... I have found many instances where I have immense difficulty interpreting feelings, situations, philosophy, mathematics, and so on. But I still think that memory is the bigger culprit here.
I also have a lot of trouble learning from past mistakes. After all, if I can't really reference the past situations, how could I learn from them? I make the same mistakes over and over it seems (I mostly know this because other people point it out, or I suddenly recollect after the fact.) Depression has been shown to cause brain cell death, the destruction of synapses, memory troubles, decrease in brain mass, and so on. If this is the case, I can't begin to imagine all of the valuable grey matter I must've lost over the years. Depression leads to potential memory problems, and memory problems lead the trouble regulating emotions. This seems like a very vicious cycle to me. Since I do know that I'm a creature of habit, and fall into bad habits particularly easily, it's not exactly a stretch to think that I might have a bit of trouble getting out of such a vicious cycle. I get myself trapped into vicious cycles all the time! I seem to be a magnet for them.
In summation, memory has been a problem I've been trying to address and figure out how to deal with for some time, now. I've become somewhat of a cliché when it comes to memory problems. You know those 'My Little Reminders'? Well, it's kind of a joke between mom and me that I would need one for the first, another for that one, another for that one, and it pretty much doesn't end until I'm swimming in the things just to remind me of the others! And at that point, there's really no point. Every time I try to come up with a method for remembering things, I forget what that method was! Or forget to follow through. There have been many nights where I almost take my meds twice because I forgot that I took them! And it doesn't help to look at what day the pill bottle says, because I've forgotten what day of the week it is. I'd forget my own birthday if people didn't bring it up for weeks prior.
I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to master my moods, my disorders... but it's really hard to do so when I can't even manage my own memories. I've had many days where I just freaked myself out to a panic at the realisation of just how far my memory problems can really go. I saw my great grandma suffer from dementia for her last years on Earth and think, "Well, I know what's going to happen to me!" Sometimes, it seems like, rather than try to fight and overcome the memory problems, I just prepare myself for the 'inevitable' downfall that is the future to come.
I have terrible memory - just awful recollecting capabilities. I will do something that is completely emotional charged one day, and then completely forget it the next. Connection? I think there's definitely a possibility. If I can't easily recollect how I went through previous experiences, how am I suppose to learn from them? Sure, some very major events have stuck with me - like the time that I almost drowned... or, rather, the times... my first break-up, my first clear manic episode, when someone I didn't know, but would come to call a dear friend, embraced me when I was extremely depressed... Most of these experiences were bad, and I've forgotten most of the good memories (though, if I can't recall them, were they hardly memories to begin with?) The 'good' in my life is most often recalled by those around me, while I usually draw blanks. This likely caused for me to react to most bad situations with negative emotions that I can recollect, whereas I seem to often react to good situations as if for the first time - like it's some alien, otherworldly event.
Now, sure, I can recollect some of these things to an extent, but it's mostly vague, and it's probably largely because it's surrounded by negative connotations which - like I said before - I seem to hold onto that stuff. When I talk about myself, I very, very seldom talk about, or at least start with, the positive stuff. That takes a lot more time and effort to come up with and decipher. I would say that perhaps my logical, and negative, 'left hemisphere' dominates, but then how would that account for my creativity and abstract ideas? If this could simply be explained by some kind of brain hemisphere dominance, one side would more obviously seem to dominate. I'm also not especially rational (look at all of my anxieties, which are by definition irrational!), and the left side is supposed to be 'rational!' Though, sure, perhaps I can't rationalise because the right side doesn't interpret things for my left side enough... I have found many instances where I have immense difficulty interpreting feelings, situations, philosophy, mathematics, and so on. But I still think that memory is the bigger culprit here.
I also have a lot of trouble learning from past mistakes. After all, if I can't really reference the past situations, how could I learn from them? I make the same mistakes over and over it seems (I mostly know this because other people point it out, or I suddenly recollect after the fact.) Depression has been shown to cause brain cell death, the destruction of synapses, memory troubles, decrease in brain mass, and so on. If this is the case, I can't begin to imagine all of the valuable grey matter I must've lost over the years. Depression leads to potential memory problems, and memory problems lead the trouble regulating emotions. This seems like a very vicious cycle to me. Since I do know that I'm a creature of habit, and fall into bad habits particularly easily, it's not exactly a stretch to think that I might have a bit of trouble getting out of such a vicious cycle. I get myself trapped into vicious cycles all the time! I seem to be a magnet for them.
In summation, memory has been a problem I've been trying to address and figure out how to deal with for some time, now. I've become somewhat of a cliché when it comes to memory problems. You know those 'My Little Reminders'? Well, it's kind of a joke between mom and me that I would need one for the first, another for that one, another for that one, and it pretty much doesn't end until I'm swimming in the things just to remind me of the others! And at that point, there's really no point. Every time I try to come up with a method for remembering things, I forget what that method was! Or forget to follow through. There have been many nights where I almost take my meds twice because I forgot that I took them! And it doesn't help to look at what day the pill bottle says, because I've forgotten what day of the week it is. I'd forget my own birthday if people didn't bring it up for weeks prior.
I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to master my moods, my disorders... but it's really hard to do so when I can't even manage my own memories. I've had many days where I just freaked myself out to a panic at the realisation of just how far my memory problems can really go. I saw my great grandma suffer from dementia for her last years on Earth and think, "Well, I know what's going to happen to me!" Sometimes, it seems like, rather than try to fight and overcome the memory problems, I just prepare myself for the 'inevitable' downfall that is the future to come.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
When Anger is Depression
People tend to have a very clear idea of what depression is... but they're probably only somewhat right. Sadness, lethargy, lack of interest... these are some of those symptoms you always hear on commercials for antidepressants, but what do I never hear them say? Anger. Anger is a very common expression of depression, especially in men (who sometimes display most or all of their depression as anger.) I would say that anger is a way of saying that something is clearly wrong, whereas more cliché signs and expressions of depression are usually much more introverted. Anger almost always has an obvious, clear expression, even when it's passive-aggressive.
I would say that about around a quarter of the time that I'm depressed, it eventually turns into anger. I've spent years and years perfecting hiding my depressive episodes, but anger is one thing I can never hide. I can cry when no one's looking and then appear perfectly normal when people are looking, I can get up and out just enough for people to see me and not think I've completely shut down, I smile or even laugh when I'm nervous, awkward, or sad, and - when the feelings are strong and bubbling up while I'm visible, I can usually bury the outward signs deep down when I feel I need to. I go through all of this trouble just so that people don't recognise my depression, but the one thing that I can't hide, people don't even realise is a sign of depression.
One way to differentiate my normal anger from anger caused by depression is that normal anger usually has a justifiable cause, whereas anger caused by depression can be easily triggered from what seems like nothing. If you accidentally run into me while turning around, and I want to rip your head off, that's a sign that I'm depressed. I think that the cause is that I'm already under enough emotional and physical stress. Anyone who's had a long, stressful day will probably understand what it's like to be on an unusually short fuse. When you're stressed from the get-go, the last thing you want is even more stress, so the little things that normally don't set you off can.
With Terry having just died, having heard last year that someone who got me through a really rough time committed suicide, being reminded that great grandma died at almost the same exact time of year as Terry, and having lost my cat and only being to assume that the most likely scenario is that she's dead, along with my general bipolar self, I've been a bit overwhelmed, to say the least, and I'd say that Terry's death just pushed it all overboard for me. I can't get through any tear-jerker moments in shows and movies, or listen to emotionally charged, sad songs without bawling. I can hardly get out of bed anymore sleeping hours and hours after the sun's gone down (albeit that's not as hard during the ends of the year.) My anxieties are on high alert and spotting a spider or earwig just about makes me faint. I'm having some of the worse medicate sleep of the year. My pain has been more persistent and my back and neck have been undyingly stiff. And... I've been angry. My fuse has become extremely short and I go right to the 'I'll rip your head off' state immediately after the smallest little triggers.
I don't want people to feel like they're walking on egg shells around me... but they are. I can't really deny that. If you're going to be around me, be careful. Simple as that. I know it's not easy for most people to pick up on these things, but what I've learned from bipolar is that you have to learn from history. You simply can't just expect a mood, a trigger, a thought process, and so on to be just a one-time thing, nor can you expect it to be solvable just by willing it to go away. Obviously, the intent is not to ultimately just learn to live with it, but rather to learn to deal with the problem before it arises again, but that could take years of intense learning, practice, and therapy. Until then, however, yeah... probably should learn to live with it. Recognising the signs is important for both me and those around me. I'm not at the point where I can really recognise signs until the aftermath, yet, so it's very important for those who can actually maintain a clear head to try and learn to recognise the signs.
Until at least one side can see these things and attempt to nip them in the bud... it might be appropriate to say, 'God have mercy on our souls.'
I would say that about around a quarter of the time that I'm depressed, it eventually turns into anger. I've spent years and years perfecting hiding my depressive episodes, but anger is one thing I can never hide. I can cry when no one's looking and then appear perfectly normal when people are looking, I can get up and out just enough for people to see me and not think I've completely shut down, I smile or even laugh when I'm nervous, awkward, or sad, and - when the feelings are strong and bubbling up while I'm visible, I can usually bury the outward signs deep down when I feel I need to. I go through all of this trouble just so that people don't recognise my depression, but the one thing that I can't hide, people don't even realise is a sign of depression.
One way to differentiate my normal anger from anger caused by depression is that normal anger usually has a justifiable cause, whereas anger caused by depression can be easily triggered from what seems like nothing. If you accidentally run into me while turning around, and I want to rip your head off, that's a sign that I'm depressed. I think that the cause is that I'm already under enough emotional and physical stress. Anyone who's had a long, stressful day will probably understand what it's like to be on an unusually short fuse. When you're stressed from the get-go, the last thing you want is even more stress, so the little things that normally don't set you off can.
With Terry having just died, having heard last year that someone who got me through a really rough time committed suicide, being reminded that great grandma died at almost the same exact time of year as Terry, and having lost my cat and only being to assume that the most likely scenario is that she's dead, along with my general bipolar self, I've been a bit overwhelmed, to say the least, and I'd say that Terry's death just pushed it all overboard for me. I can't get through any tear-jerker moments in shows and movies, or listen to emotionally charged, sad songs without bawling. I can hardly get out of bed anymore sleeping hours and hours after the sun's gone down (albeit that's not as hard during the ends of the year.) My anxieties are on high alert and spotting a spider or earwig just about makes me faint. I'm having some of the worse medicate sleep of the year. My pain has been more persistent and my back and neck have been undyingly stiff. And... I've been angry. My fuse has become extremely short and I go right to the 'I'll rip your head off' state immediately after the smallest little triggers.
I don't want people to feel like they're walking on egg shells around me... but they are. I can't really deny that. If you're going to be around me, be careful. Simple as that. I know it's not easy for most people to pick up on these things, but what I've learned from bipolar is that you have to learn from history. You simply can't just expect a mood, a trigger, a thought process, and so on to be just a one-time thing, nor can you expect it to be solvable just by willing it to go away. Obviously, the intent is not to ultimately just learn to live with it, but rather to learn to deal with the problem before it arises again, but that could take years of intense learning, practice, and therapy. Until then, however, yeah... probably should learn to live with it. Recognising the signs is important for both me and those around me. I'm not at the point where I can really recognise signs until the aftermath, yet, so it's very important for those who can actually maintain a clear head to try and learn to recognise the signs.
Until at least one side can see these things and attempt to nip them in the bud... it might be appropriate to say, 'God have mercy on our souls.'
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