People tend to have a very clear idea of what depression is... but they're probably only somewhat right. Sadness, lethargy, lack of interest... these are some of those symptoms you always hear on commercials for antidepressants, but what do I never hear them say? Anger. Anger is a very common expression of depression, especially in men (who sometimes display most or all of their depression as anger.) I would say that anger is a way of saying that something is clearly wrong, whereas more cliché signs and expressions of depression are usually much more introverted. Anger almost always has an obvious, clear expression, even when it's passive-aggressive.
I would say that about around a quarter of the time that I'm depressed, it eventually turns into anger. I've spent years and years perfecting hiding my depressive episodes, but anger is one thing I can never hide. I can cry when no one's looking and then appear perfectly normal when people are looking, I can get up and out just enough for people to see me and not think I've completely shut down, I smile or even laugh when I'm nervous, awkward, or sad, and - when the feelings are strong and bubbling up while I'm visible, I can usually bury the outward signs deep down when I feel I need to. I go through all of this trouble just so that people don't recognise my depression, but the one thing that I can't hide, people don't even realise is a sign of depression.
One way to differentiate my normal anger from anger caused by depression is that normal anger usually has a justifiable cause, whereas anger caused by depression can be easily triggered from what seems like nothing. If you accidentally run into me while turning around, and I want to rip your head off, that's a sign that I'm depressed. I think that the cause is that I'm already under enough emotional and physical stress. Anyone who's had a long, stressful day will probably understand what it's like to be on an unusually short fuse. When you're stressed from the get-go, the last thing you want is even more stress, so the little things that normally don't set you off can.
With Terry having just died, having heard last year that someone who got me through a really rough time committed suicide, being reminded that great grandma died at almost the same exact time of year as Terry, and having lost my cat and only being to assume that the most likely scenario is that she's dead, along with my general bipolar self, I've been a bit overwhelmed, to say the least, and I'd say that Terry's death just pushed it all overboard for me. I can't get through any tear-jerker moments in shows and movies, or listen to emotionally charged, sad songs without bawling. I can hardly get out of bed anymore sleeping hours and hours after the sun's gone down (albeit that's not as hard during the ends of the year.) My anxieties are on high alert and spotting a spider or earwig just about makes me faint. I'm having some of the worse medicate sleep of the year. My pain has been more persistent and my back and neck have been undyingly stiff. And... I've been angry. My fuse has become extremely short and I go right to the 'I'll rip your head off' state immediately after the smallest little triggers.
I don't want people to feel like they're walking on egg shells around me... but they are. I can't really deny that. If you're going to be around me, be careful. Simple as that. I know it's not easy for most people to pick up on these things, but what I've learned from bipolar is that you have to learn from history. You simply can't just expect a mood, a trigger, a thought process, and so on to be just a one-time thing, nor can you expect it to be solvable just by willing it to go away. Obviously, the intent is not to ultimately just learn to live with it, but rather to learn to deal with the problem before it arises again, but that could take years of intense learning, practice, and therapy. Until then, however, yeah... probably should learn to live with it. Recognising the signs is important for both me and those around me. I'm not at the point where I can really recognise signs until the aftermath, yet, so it's very important for those who can actually maintain a clear head to try and learn to recognise the signs.
Until at least one side can see these things and attempt to nip them in the bud... it might be appropriate to say, 'God have mercy on our souls.'
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