I was doing some random research, which tends to yield some of the most interesting finds. The research spanned from the mysteries of the brain to truths about the Mayan Calendar (and subsequently debunking, or at least easing, most suspicions.) But I want to focus on the first part - the brain. Sometime down the line, going from one thread of information to another, I came across a series of articles about emotional processing in the brain. One thing that it brought up that really stuck with me - even though it's actually quite obvious when you think about it - is how memories are what our minds and brains use to reference how we should react to emotions and situations that trigger emotions. For instance, someone who had an ex girlfriend who constantly eyed other men would probably become jealous when their new romantic interest was also eyeing other men. We take previous experiences and apply them to present and future ones, for better or worse.
I have terrible memory - just awful recollecting capabilities. I will do something that is completely emotional charged one day, and then completely forget it the next. Connection? I think there's definitely a possibility. If I can't easily recollect how I went through previous experiences, how am I suppose to learn from them? Sure, some very major events have stuck with me - like the time that I almost drowned... or, rather, the times... my first break-up, my first clear manic episode, when someone I didn't know, but would come to call a dear friend, embraced me when I was extremely depressed... Most of these experiences were bad, and I've forgotten most of the good memories (though, if I can't recall them, were they hardly memories to begin with?) The 'good' in my life is most often recalled by those around me, while I usually draw blanks. This likely caused for me to react to most bad situations with negative emotions that I can recollect, whereas I seem to often react to good situations as if for the first time - like it's some alien, otherworldly event.
Now, sure, I can recollect some of these things to an extent, but it's mostly vague, and it's probably largely because it's surrounded by negative connotations which - like I said before - I seem to hold onto that stuff. When I talk about myself, I very, very seldom talk about, or at least start with, the positive stuff. That takes a lot more time and effort to come up with and decipher. I would say that perhaps my logical, and negative, 'left hemisphere' dominates, but then how would that account for my creativity and abstract ideas? If this could simply be explained by some kind of brain hemisphere dominance, one side would more obviously seem to dominate. I'm also not especially rational (look at all of my anxieties, which are by definition irrational!), and the left side is supposed to be 'rational!' Though, sure, perhaps I can't rationalise because the right side doesn't interpret things for my left side enough... I have found many instances where I have immense difficulty interpreting feelings, situations, philosophy, mathematics, and so on. But I still think that memory is the bigger culprit here.
I also have a lot of trouble learning from past mistakes. After all, if I can't really reference the past situations, how could I learn from them? I make the same mistakes over and over it seems (I mostly know this because other people point it out, or I suddenly recollect after the fact.) Depression has been shown to cause brain cell death, the destruction of synapses, memory troubles, decrease in brain mass, and so on. If this is the case, I can't begin to imagine all of the valuable grey matter I must've lost over the years. Depression leads to potential memory problems, and memory problems lead the trouble regulating emotions. This seems like a very vicious cycle to me. Since I do know that I'm a creature of habit, and fall into bad habits particularly easily, it's not exactly a stretch to think that I might have a bit of trouble getting out of such a vicious cycle. I get myself trapped into vicious cycles all the time! I seem to be a magnet for them.
In summation, memory has been a problem I've been trying to address and figure out how to deal with for some time, now. I've become somewhat of a cliché when it comes to memory problems. You know those 'My Little Reminders'? Well, it's kind of a joke between mom and me that I would need one for the first, another for that one, another for that one, and it pretty much doesn't end until I'm swimming in the things just to remind me of the others! And at that point, there's really no point. Every time I try to come up with a method for remembering things, I forget what that method was! Or forget to follow through. There have been many nights where I almost take my meds twice because I forgot that I took them! And it doesn't help to look at what day the pill bottle says, because I've forgotten what day of the week it is. I'd forget my own birthday if people didn't bring it up for weeks prior.
I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to master my moods, my disorders... but it's really hard to do so when I can't even manage my own memories. I've had many days where I just freaked myself out to a panic at the realisation of just how far my memory problems can really go. I saw my great grandma suffer from dementia for her last years on Earth and think, "Well, I know what's going to happen to me!" Sometimes, it seems like, rather than try to fight and overcome the memory problems, I just prepare myself for the 'inevitable' downfall that is the future to come.
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