I want to try and make a basic outline of how my mind works, how to
attempt to traverse it, and the various common qualities of different
moods/phases/areas. It's more in a hope that others might be able to
avoid certain issues in the future. First, some basic background. I am
bipolar I - I rapidly cycle, usually from day to day - or at most week
to week - between moods that are typically either depressed or manic (or
mildly depressed or hypomanic), with brief and somewhat uncommon pauses
of relative normalcy. There are also some fairly frequent minor 'mixed
states,' which blend two extremes into a more volatile combination,
usually leaning toward depressed, and some much more occasional major
spikes. The major spikes tend to also be mixed states, and - while I
could be wrong because I don't have enough data yet - they go in a
monthly cycle. I know... it's my 'period.' If I start ripping your face
off with words, getting really irritable, switching from seemingly happy
and extroverted to reclusive and introverted... well, you just might ask me, "Is it that time of the month?" in which case I might just
want to rip your face off... or laugh. Who knows?
::::Geography::::
My
mind has mountain peaks and low valleys, volcanoes and soothing hot
springs, burning deserts and frozen tundras, flat plains and rolling hills...
You name the geographical feature, my mind has it. Now, if you go
outside and you look at a hill, you can easily identify it as a hill.
You look at the topography of my mind, and it might be a little more
difficult because these ain't yo nomull evruh-deh heeeeels, ya siy?
Also, by my kooky sounding spelling, one might think I was more toward
the 'higher' spectrum, whereas I'm actually in a mixed mood right now
that's heavily leaning toward the depressive side. Literally every
moment feels unbearable and dazing, yet I frequently cover it up with
nonsensical jokes and fake smiles. I'm also actually in a lot of pain
right now from my fibromyalgia, and I've had increased anxiety lately.
So do you think you can so easily identify the geographical features of
my mind, especially now? Well, let's go over some of the more basic
qualities of my psychological topography so that you could better
identify these features without necessarily stuffing your brain so full
you have an aneurysm.
---High Ground---
Mountains:
There
are two primary kinds of mountains - volcanoes and just plain giant
heaps of rock. Volcanoes are perhaps the most relevant for those around
me, yet perhaps the least common, as well. Volcanoes are moods that are
big enough to be mountains, but with the added quality of being very
volatile, and potentially dangerous. 90% of the time, a volcano will be a
mixed state (reminder - a combination of depression and mania that
creates an explosive and/or volatile compound.) Mixed states are much
less common for me, and they usually aren't quite mountains/volcanoes,
either. I'm not sure, yet, as I've only recorded about a month of my
mood patterns so far, but from what I've recorded, I have a hypothesis
that my volcanic mixed states come along roughly once every month. My
mood can flip flop, I can be extremely irritable, I can seem extremely
difficult to get a read off, I can seem unpredictable, I can explode in
your face and melt it right off with words alone, I can become extremely
anxious and worried, I can be irritable and difficult to work with, I
can become extremely emotional, and it essentially becomes no holds
barred. A bit of my steam was relieved from a recent eruption, so I'm
not quite so unstable at the moment, but one eruption doesn't
necessarily mean that another won't come. These moods also tend to last
longer than my normal moods - as long as a week! Usually, there's some
build up as well as a gradual decline after reaching the peak. The best
tactic when you see a volcano? Well... stay away from it, you daredevil
dumbass! What else do you think you should do? Climb to the top and take
a swan dive?
The other kind of mountain is just tall and
imposing. While there may be some minor qualities of one mood type when
it's dominantly another, the little fragments are usually of sub-clinical and
fairly irrelevant levels. For instance, I might go through a depressive
episode but have a number of ideas and be unable to sleep. Does this
mean I'm in a mixed state? Nope, not at all. A lot of ideas and
difficulty sleeping has never made a hypomanic mood on its own. Sure, a
mixed mood doesn't always necessarily need to have a full blown
hypomanic mood on top of a full blown depression, or a full blown mania
on top of a full-blown/moderate depression, but the symptoms of either
are usually quite significant and contribute considerably to the
volatile nature of a mixed state. Note that there are no real
'depressive mountains,' as depressions are typically lows, like valleys.
The only real exception is a mixed state, but it has a giant pit in the
centre filled with scolding hot magma that goes below the earth's
crust.. so I'd say that the 'low' kind of makes its way into there.
Anyway, mania mountains tend to have very sharp peaks and both rise and
decline very quickly. They're usually fairly short-lived, seldom lasting
more than a couple of days. It's ironic how a person in a flight of
mania might feel like they can move mountains when their mania can
seem as imposing and 'high' as a mountain.
Hills:
Hills
are usually mania-related and can be quite frequent and rolling. This
are usually enjoyable for both those around me and myself. Usually a
hill is when I seem more positive, more energetic, full of ideas,
perhaps more talkative, and overall more kooky - but markedly less of
all of those than mania mountains. Hills denote hypomania. This is the
happy-fun-times of bipolar. This is when the bipolar person is still
relatively in their right mind, but are obviously 'higher' than normal.
Admittedly, it can also sometimes just feel a little bit 'happier' and
'energetic' than usual to the bipolar person themselves and those around
them. Hypomania seldom, if ever, gets a person hospitalised, and
they're even often overlooked by the world at large. In fact, bipolar II
individuals who have hypomania, but not full-blown mania, might - or
are rather almost guaranteed - to be diagnosed simply as 'depressed'
because people typically don't even notice the extent of hypomanic
episodes. Hills can sometimes be overlooked, as well, especially when
you have much more extreme features like a great canyon or mountains
that reach past the clouds. Hills are common and - while sometimes
marvelled at or even loved - fairly unremarkable in the grand scheme of
the bipolar spectrum. Hills might also be indicative of more minor mixed
episodes, though these hills are quite rare. Hills like this might have
scolding hot springs and be volcanically active far underneath the
surface. Just in case you do run into a mixed state hill, look for
unexpected or unusual changes that deviate from the normal hypomanic
mood.
---Low Ground---
Canyons and Valleys:
Canyons
are usually when my mood takes a sharp drop into depression. I can seem
perfectly fine and even normal and then - oops, there's a cliff there!
Usually, the lowest of the lows comes almost immediately, and then the
depression might go away almost about as suddenly. Valleys, on the other
hand, tend to be longer lived and have more gradual descents to and
ascents from the depression. The geographical definition of a valley,
and most lower points, can have the word 'depression' in them, in fact.
Plain depressions usually aren't as complicated or varied as mania and
hypomania, so there's little need to go further in depth, but for a
quick description... During a depression, I can be less vocal, have
little or no energy, little or no motivation, feel as though I am
actually physically feeble (or more than usual, at least) which others
can feel, too, I can often have worsened or increased incidence of
fibromyalgia flare-ups, as well as general achiness, stiffness, and
lethargy, I can seem more withdrawn and be more of an isolationist,
and... above all, I can occasionally cover it all up with compulsive and
fake smiles, and reassurances that nothing's wrong (my energy level is
usually telltale, however.) Canyons and valleys are usually the worst of
the worst. If I do have a facade, I usually can't maintain it for very
long. I often shut down completely, or quite near. These places are also
often much darker and colder than the areas higher up.
Ravines and Gullies:
These
are basically the same as canyons and valleys, in that order, but
simply smaller. When I have a facade or try to cover up the depression, I
can typically pull it off much better and for a longer period than with
the canyons and valleys. Because valleys last longer, I usually
maintain no facade, or it can only survive a smaller portion of the
depression, but a facade can often survive the whole depression of a
ravine or gully. Gullies might not even really register on other
people's radars as, while they might be wider in proportion to ravines,
they're also typically shallower. Gullies might seems like simply slower
points in life, or even appear relatively 'normal.' They may last
longer, or appear flatter, than ravines, but I'm typically decently
functioning (well, relative to me, at least) and can have at least a
semi-decent outlook without too much effort. There usually isn't nearly
the degree of awe-striking power as a deep depression can cause, but
they're usually much easier to deal with, as well. These mild
depressions are fairly common and often relatively short lived.
---The Ocean---
To
stick with the geographical theme, the ocean can represent the great
unknown. It constitutes most of the world, and yet it's probably the
least explored and the least understood part of the world. Much of my
mind is still an utter mystery to me, but with new tools, new things
are being learned everyday. The great, deep blue can seem imposing,
mysterious, and even scary, and perhaps it should be... to a degree. For
if we sink into this great unknown... could we ever come back? I
perhaps get too curious for my own good, sometimes.
::::Tectonic Activity::::
Anxiety
isn't really like any particular land feature, but acts more like
tectonic plates shifting. Anxiety can form mountains and volcanoes, dry
up and create new seas, tear land apart and make giant holes, it can
swallow houses whole into the ground like they never existed, it can
shake the ground and your foundations, it can send tsunamis crashing
into cities, and it can instill fear. While anxiety isn't exactly any
particular land feature, it can certainly contribute to the formation of
land features. My anxieties can plummet me into a depression, or send
me into a manic high. Sometimes, it causes volcanoes to explode, and for
my foundations (beliefs, for instance) to shatter right from under me.
Anxieties can scare me into a seemingly catatonic state, or send me
running. What I do certainly know, however, is that something bad always
comes when anxiety is looming over me, and it's most volatile when
paired with a land formation that's already existing.
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