Faces of Bipolar Disorder

Today, I'm gonna to talk about some of the 'faces' of bipolar, and to a degree mental disorders in general, and some ways situations affected by those faces could play out. Probably none of the information will be universally accurate or effective; everyone's different, even if they have the same diagnosis.

So, here are some of the faces (likely an incomplete list):

Neutral/Normal: Exactly what it sounds like; the 'Green Zone' of bipolar. Normal, basic, healthy - whatever you want to call it (though 'neutral' could possibly also mean apathetic, which isn't so healthy.) While an individual who is in the 'normal' stage may not show any signs of a disorder, she still has that common human element of unpredictability. You can typically treat her like any other person - though that's not necessarily to say that she would want to be treated differently in other cases, while showing the other faces of her disorder; some people simply wanted to be treated normally.

Depressed: This is a common face for many, many people with a mental disorder, spread across a wide demographic and a wide spectrum of different disorders. It can become extremely different for friends, loved ones, and carers to know how to treat an individual who is depressed, and - once again - everyone's different. Some people just want someone to talk to, while others may want to just be alone. Some peoples may want intimacy and/or hugs, while others may want the exact opposite. Some people may eat more, while others eat less, and so on and so forth. Really, you just have to learn the habits of the individual and play it by ear. You can never be too careful when treading a minefield.

Some rules of thumb - very broad rules of thumb - are: men tend to manifest their depression as anger. Taking their aggression personally can be one of the most detrimental things you could do. Women, on the other hand, tend to either become withdrawn and/or desire love and affection. Both genders may push their loved ones away, even if they actually want the exact opposite (so trying to be there for the individual even when they say they want otherwise isn't always a bad idea, unless they seem very adamant about wanting to be left alone; weigh the costs and benefits the best you can.) Sometimes being adamant about being left alone or more suspicious/atypical behaviors can be signs of being suicidal, so it's usually best to be close by just in case. This, and even some other situations, may often call for immediate medical intervention at the hospital.

Manic: This is, simply put, a whirlwind. An individual who is manic is often totally unpredictable, physically and emotionally tolling (both for her and those around her), and even a danger to themselves or others. She would likely have the attention span of a six-year-old, should that six-year-old be on a sugar rush with ADHD. She might have the speed and activeness of a cat high on catnip and, speaking of catnip, even start having hallucinations and delusions. She may speak faster than you can keep up with, or occasionally faster than she can keep up with! I know I've had a train wreck of thoughts during manic episodes where I couldn't keep up with my own thoughts.

Now, when I say a danger to herself or others, I mean being impulsive and have risky behavior such as gambling, shopping frivolously, and even things like promiscuity (hypersexuality) and drug abuse. If someone who is manic is simply too manic, the hospital may very well be the next stop you and she will have to go, just like with depression. A manic individual may become very irritable or even (or rather often) euphoric. She may feel like the greatest thing to ever happen to the world, or think she thought of the greatest thing to ever happen to the world. She may make promises she can keep when she finally crashes or the manic episode simply goes away. Feelings of grandeur, grandiosity, and other 'grand' sort of things are certainly not uncommon.

Apathetic: While all of the moods and behaviors can be found in essentially any non-disordered person, just in a smaller version, apathy can be one of the even more common and relatable of these different moods and behaviors. An individual can be hyper or excited (smaller version of mania) or sad/blue (smaller version of depression.) However, apathy is a quality that any individual can have under one circumstance or another, even at the same level of someone with a disorder.

And apathetic individual usually shuns her emotional involvement in one situation or another, or even all situations for a period of time. Apathy can also be confused with angst, though they are actually very different. Few individuals who aren't sociopaths, or something of the sort, are totally apathetic, also. There's still a human being underneath that façade, and it's often very important to let her know that you know that. In the end, just about everyone wants to simply be treated like a human being, even when they're withdrawn or need some time alone,

Mixed: An individual may have mixed emotions, moods, or a 'mixed episode,' as it's often called in the world of mental health. During such a time, she may have qualities of manic, depressive, and even more 'neutral' or apathetic episodes. These episodes can be even more unpredictable and varied. When dealing with an individual in such an episode, one may need to play it completely by ear - there's no way to predict how it will turn out or what the best methods of traversing the situations are.

To go about the difficult task of supporting someone during a mixed episode (or any episode, really), walking on eggshells can actually be a very good and important thing to do. There's nothing like saying the wrong thing and then repeating the mistake to make the situation go completely out of control. If you do accidentally say the wrong thing, instead of diving deeper into the issue, try to back off a little bit, show compassion and empathy, and then simply let go.

Other Noteworthy Things / Dealing with Unpredictability: When an individual becomes defensive or attempts to dodge a question, don't push it. You can support someone without trying to 'get to the bottom of things,' so to speak. Sometimes the best thing to support her is to simply say nothing at all. Gestures can be so much more important than words. When an individual is depressed, words often don't mean much, or can even exacerbate the situation, whereas caring gestures can make a world of difference.

When an individual becomes offensive, or just mean, it's usually best to try not to take things seriously, even though it can be incredibly difficult. Once again, sometimes the best thing to do is to simply not say anything, as just one wrong word could potentially set her off. Maybe half the time an angry or frustrated individual couldn't care less about gestures, either. Removing yourself from the equation and giving her some space could be one of the best things you could do.

When an individual tries to dodge a question or a subject, imagine she's trying to dodge a bullet, because that's how it may feel to her. It's obviously a sore spot and you don't want to be pressure on the soreness - it just doesn't turn out well for anyone. Periodically bringing the subject up isn't always bad, though; just make sure to bring it up, and not push it.

In a very simplistic way of putting things, adapt; find patterns and work from there. Just like many things in life, you just need to figure it out because there isn't a manual. No matter how many articles and blogs you read, you can't find the perfect recipe for caring for a loved one or friend with a mood disorder (though those things can certainly help.) You may have a very difficult time bearing the burdens of caring for such a person, but just know that it's likely even harder for the individuals themselves. A loved one's depression can take an emotional toll on you, but try to stand in their shoes - it's certainly not a walk in the park for them, either.

Anxiety. It has a pivotal role in the lives of many people, but there's good anxiety and bad anxiety. People with a mood disorder can very likely be susceptible to bad anxiety. The moods themselves can cause tremendous anxiety (depression and anxiety love to go hand-in-hand), and social and interpersonal lives can cause even more anxiety. If you want to help and anxious individual, try to alleviate as much of her stress as possible. Create a sort of 'zone' where they feel safe. Relaxation, slowing down, taking a breath, and feeling safe are extremely important to deal with anxiety. There are probably very few things you could do for someone that's better than helping them cope with anxiety. However, make sure not to enable their anxiety so much that the individual gives in to it. Just lend a helping hand.

This, again, is just meant to give some general advice. It may or may not be effective depending on the individuals (on both sides of the table.) Interpersonal relationships aren't - and never will be - an exact science, so try not to be discouraged when something doesn't follow through all too well. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again, as the saying goes. Also, therapy can't hurt (except in the case of your wallet, perhaps.) Therapy isn't only for people with mental disorders; anyone can benefit from therapy, even though stigmata have taught the general public otherwise. Therapy gives a person the tools to cope with stress, improve interpersonal relationship and social skills, help yourself so you can help others, and much, much more.

Much of this information can be related to various mental health areas and issues, as well as disorders, other than just bipolar (though it's certainly geared toward bipolar.) Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) also shares many characteristics of bipolar, and so much of the information is potentially transferable - at least to an extent. Two other sources to understand bipolar disorder and BPD are here Bipolar Disorder, Coping with Bipolar and Manic Depression  and here An Introduction to Borderline Personality Disorder For more information on BPD and some other methods of coping with mental health problems, this is a good place to go: MeAndMyBlackTable

Depression, Anxiety, Healthcare, and School

This'll be a long post... just so you know. Lots of updates and information.

Yesterday... I was asked a question - a surprisingly daunting question. "When will you be ready?" To give it context, 'When will you be ready [to face your anxieties]?' There was much more to the question, but that essentially sums it up in the most basic form. Before I answered, I simply stared at the computer screen for several minutes. I didn't know what to say.

When I finally came up with an answer, it was quite lengthy and, honestly, quite depressing. Rather than explaining when I will be ready, I listed various reasons why I might not - maybe even ever - be ready. The more I wrote, the more depressed and anxious I got. It leaked into the rest of my day and still affects me a bit now. And, when Mom asked if I was depressed because the rheumatologist I went to deemed I have not fibromyalgia, I answered, "Why would I be depressed because of that?" It was deflection. She knew it, I'm sure.

I'm really, really stupid with some of my moods. Mania, I'll tell everyone in the world that I'm manic, or weird, or maybe even insane. I have no problem expressing my mania. Depression, on the other hand, seems like it needs to be a deep, dark secret that I must hide from everyone I can. I feel like expressing my depression would cause confrontation, whereas mania usually just gets a few weird looks an maybe a benign comment or two, or encouragement because I can become more productive. Depression and anxiety are the opposite for me. Also, depression and anxiety are twins that just love to tag-team me.

To be honest, maybe I was a bit depressed at the news that I probably don't have fibromyalgia (from the sound of it, the rheumatologist seems quite certain of that.) It's like being told you have cancer, and then told you don't - but to a much milder extent. It can disrupt your life and simply screw you over. It ought to be good news, but it just simply doesn't seem that way. And, in the case of it not being fibromyalgia, it means that it's some other, unknown issue, and the mystery of it is more daunting than being able to give it a name.

But my moods have been getting darker much more easily as of late. It doesn't take much to send me into an utterly negative mindset - even total hopelessness. At those points, making progress in my life seems like it's not even an option. It makes me just want to lay in my bed and never get out. It makes me want to sleep and never wake up. It makes me want to avoid... life. Avoiding life, of course, isn't really a viable option, either. But, in those moments, it seems like a better way to go.

Once you fall into a ten foot hole, it can be rather difficult to climb out (especially when you're only 5'2"!) You want help, and you probably can't get out without help, but some people are just too damn stubborn to ask! Like me. It's embarrassing, it's shameful, and it's awkward. I often think, "I'm not deserving of help," or, "I'll be thought less of if I ask for help (as if admitting defeat.)" Telepathy would be a nice thing at these times.

The irritability that comes with depression and anxiety is also rather obtrusive. It certainly doesn't mesh well with those around me. What would normally be benign acts and words can suddenly become a trigger for a fierce or frustrated reaction. Playing around and joking is also often a no-no at those times. But, me being me, how is anyone supposed to know this? I'd rather sweep my feeling and moods under the rug anytime they come up, sometimes even masquerading as the total opposite of how I'm actually doing. It's often even simply a subconscious reaction - a smile or a laugh when, really, I just don't care, and I want to curl up into a ball on a bed and shut everyone out.

The fact that I try to stay out, that I try to be around people, is actually a sign of me putting effort into dealing with the moods, even if it really doesn't seem so. I was thinking about just going into my room, lighting incense, and then just laying in the dark, even though I knew I wouldn't get to sleep - I'm still not asleep. The persistent pain hasn't been helping, either. I've been wondering if I've already started building up a tolerance to my Norco. Two Norco at one time seems to do the trick much better than one, though I haven't tried 1½, yet.

Something else of note... I've actually been gaining about a pound a month for the past several months. I think I've gained about 7+ pounds in all. Since around October I've been eating and eating - especially sugary things and just junk food in general. Prior, I hadn't often cared for sugary things, at least. Now, I can't stop having them. Candy, ice cream... I just have an insatiable appetite for comfort foods - foods that just aren't overall good for you in bulk.

My disability claim got denied again. That probably hasn't been working wonders on my moods, either. We - a disability lawyer included - think that the claim got filed incorrectly. It could still take months more before any real progress is made, even when filed correctly, and - knowing the government and social security - just might deny me after that! Aaron having trouble finding a job, my lack of disability benefits, and other threats to our total income, have been rather paralytically devastating, even more. If I were asked if I'm stressed... I think the answer is pretty obvious.

I looked into programs for getting a high school diploma after 4 in high school, and even dropping out. Apparently, community and technical schools may offer high school degrees. One such program actually requires you to drop out of high school in order to get a high school diploma via a community college. Never really think of going to college without even completing high school, but apparently it can happen under the right circumstances.

The only real hitch is that you likely would have to pay tuition to get that diploma (though some colleges offer financial aid or may even waive the tuition completely.) It might be something to look into. From the bit I've read, it seems like it might be much easier than trying to get the diploma through the high school, and be better in the long run than getting a GED. I may even be able to do it after turning 21, should it come to that. If I could somehow manage to get that done - at least in the next year or two - it might significantly alleviate some of my stress. It's just getting there that's the problem.

I've also been looking into the recent Supreme Court ruling on Obama's Affordable Care Act, which could potentially help many people get insurance where they otherwise couldn't, or better insurance where it would've otherwise been shabbier. If things start to go south in that area, then maybe that could be a glimmer of hope. Obama at least did one thing right, even though it's strongly opposed. Some of the methods of getting the Affordable Care Act to work may or may not be the best - reducing taxation might backfire, or maybe that was dealt with well, as well. Putting some more costs in the hands of the insured may balance out the lowered taxation, though those feeds have been deemed a sort of taxation in itself.

I would love for our country to get a free healthcare system like Canada, and I think we could if we actually started doing some things right. capitalism actually screws up a lot of things, and it's just about the sole thing the government chooses to rely on as its lifeblood. Without capitalism, our would fall apart, but with capitalism, our country is falling apart more and more. Perhaps a sort of socialist, or even a fresher, less definable approach, would be better for our country. Hitler, while he was still at least mostly sane, even understood the benefits of socialism over capitalism or communism, and, before waging world like a lunatic against essentially the whole world, he drastically improved Germany's financial, economic, and job-related stability. But greed can utterly ruin a nation.

Obama wants to try to assimilate our healthcare to Canada's, at least a little bit, which I think is admirable, even if some of his other ideas and/or methods are flawed (but what president didn't have flaws in his administration?) Honestly, though, if our situation doesn't improve - and fast - Canada still seems like a pretty good place to become a citizen of.

Well, this blog was all over the place and quite long, but it was good to get all of these things out and off my chest. My mind's been so haphazard and just... off, so to let it pour out is quite a relief. I'm still not all too expecting of a complete turn around very soon, but things are - at least a little bit - starting to look up. How you can really know that things were bad and are now improving is that I went a whole day without even bothering to work on my D&D, and now I'm actually wanting to do that, at least for a little bit, when I wake up next. Geeze, 8:30 - yep, really ought to get to sleep. So I'll do that now... Oh, and I forgot that I have an appointment in a matter of hours... Oops.

The Spectrum (2)

I've been in what I refer to as an 'emotionally impressionable state.' Essentially, it means that I have very, very little resilience emotionally, and am easily swayed by life events, essentially the opposite of typical bipolar moods, which are rather difficult to budge. If something good happens, then my mood is likely to rise, and if something bad happens, my mood is likely to plummet. Even things in others' lives (e.g. a family member dies, they lose their job, they show inhuman perseverance, et cetera) then I'm likely to empathise and assimilate to their feelings. This, to me, seems very Borderline-ish, especially since it's just not very characteristic of bipolar.

I previously wrote about that little voice in my head thinking I should drop my meds, and - while it's like an alcoholic thinking about having a drink - it wasn't much of a threat. However, when I get in these more rapidly fluctuating moods, it sounds like a better and better idea. Having the moods is like having a beer lying around, and the alcoholic glancing over from time to time, fighting off the urge that haunts them. With it right there, it's harder to deny than when it's at least a bit off in the distance.

Even if I do decide to drop my meds... which would be a sketchy decision... it would be wisest to gradually drop down, instead of go immediately cold turkey. I've heard of plenty of people getting (safely) off of their meds and still... well... living. It can feel as though meds take a person's emotional spectrum and chops it up and cuts out a lot, and then it just doesn't feel right... To represent it more visually, say this is the full spectrum off of meds:

Depression                   'Normal'                            Mania

<===================|===================>

On meds, it feels more like:

                N-Dep                  'Normal'             H-Mania

                <=============|=============>

'N-Dep' meaning 'Near Depression,' or simply not deep depression and 'H-Mania' meaning 'Hypomania.' I put Normal in quotes because it's a very relative term.

As you can see, it's a rainbow that's missing colors. It's incomplete. For other people, the full spectrum probably has all the colors, but different levels (e.g. sadness instead of depression and happiness instead of mania.) So, for a person with a more normal spectrum, cutting out the two ends would essentially be ridding them of sadness and happiness; it would be extremely bland. That's how it feels, to me, with this shorter spectrum. Strangely, that's why I feel better when I can fall into depression and fly into mania. Experiencing the whole rainbow is like nothing else, and is irreplaceable.

I don't think I'll ever be able to adjust completely to a more normal spectrum. I don't know if I'd want to. I know I would never commit suicide and that I would never sporadically run in front of a bus because I saw something interesting on the other side of the road. I'd never do drugs and I'd likely not drink (at least much.) If I could try to manage sleep and learn mindfulness with... probably years of therapy, maybe my meds wouldn't be completely necessary (or I could try to manage my moods to a lesser degree so that I don't crash and fly too low and too high, respectively, but I still get a fuller range. These are some things to ponder. Then again, maybe these thoughts will just start to dissolve until a later time.

Manic-Depressive

I don't think that people quite understand the willpower it takes almost every day of my life to hold onto the little bit of stability I have. I think that I just cover it up to look just casual enough.

There were two parents who made a movie after their child's death (called Boy Interrupted.) He was diagnosed with bipolar when he was just a very, very young child and casually spoke of suicide practically since he could walk. Right before he finally did commit suicide, his parents attempted to get their son to see his psychiatrist because he had previously dropped his meds because he was 'feeling fine,' with worrying symptoms soon after arising. However... just the day before, the boy threw himself out of his window and he died. He psychiatrist later said, they [bipolar people] all drop their meds.

Well... I think that the latter statement is true. Even I have to admit that I once dropped my meds. Felt pretty awful and something I'll never forget. But, despite this, I still often get the urge to drop my meds out of the blue and dive right back into that chaos. Those highs and lows... there's just something strangely seductive about them. The highs are quite obviously enticing, I think. But the lows are, too. The highs make you feel better than alive, while the lows can simply make you feel alive, at least for me. It's like without the lows, life is surreal. I get plenty of bouts of both, but it's just not quite the same - neither in intensity or frequency.

If I were to say that I wanted to drop my meds because I 'felt fine,' then that would be quite true. Feeling fine isn't always the best feeling in the world, especially for someone who craves instability like me. Self-sabotaging, impulsivity, and - especially - doubt and guilt, become regular things for people like me. Some people don't even realise how much they crave instability, yet they still do these exact same things, almost like a dangerous drug.

Luckily for me, I've never taken drugs - at least not illegal narcotics, or anything like that. My drugs are usually just bad habits, video games, and other useless things that simply give me some sort of enjoyment or relief. These can also often turn into impulsive behaviors that are much like itches I just have to scratch. I often feel like I just can't control my body - like someone else was making my every move for me. I stand back, at least metaphorically, and see the things I do in awe and guilt.

I've been asked more times than I can count, 'Is this really how you want to live your life?' and I always respond, at least one way or another, 'No.' Of course it isn't. Or, at least, the logical side of my mind doesn't want that. But it happens anyway because the irrational side always manages to have more power. And so... with every day, I think, 'What if I stopped taking my meds?' I know it would be catastrophic, but I just can't shake the urge. I've managed to muster all of the willpower I can to keep it from happening, but then I have just about no willpower for anything else.

My life is exhausting, but people can't even see that. And then you add fibromyalgia and anxieties and it's simply catatonic. It's disabling. I'm getting nowhere fast. And, the faster I run, the more nowhere I get.

Vertigo

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' What about when you do something with a bad result, but then do it again? Well, in my case, the bad result was pharmacological. I took my normal meds a while back, which - at least on the average person - have some major CNS (central nervous system) depressing effects. Basically, it 'slows' your body down, and it's the prime reason I can get to sleep... just about ever. Well, I've been 'doped up' in the past - lots of meds being needed causing lots of CNS depression. But I haven't been that way in a long time. If anything, I've had more trouble getting asleep than staying asleep. It's been somewhat of a theme, and so I've piled on a couple other things - melatonin, occasionally clonidine, namely. I raised my Seroquel to try and control my more recent (i.e. within past several months) hypomanic episodes, and while I've noticed the episodes lower in frequency, now my overall depressive episodes have surfaced a bit more here and there, and I still have a sleep problem.

So, the first incident, I took my Seroquel, Lamictal, melatonin, and a Norco (hydrocodone/acetaminophen). That night, soon after taking the combination, I was flickering in and out of consciousness, having memory lapses, stumbling around, having severe vertigo, and eventually just went out like a light bulb. While, sure, the goal was to get to sleep, at least eventually, I do remember one thing very, very clearly - I went up the stairs and into the kitchen, suddenly out of the haze in a moment of clarity, and I started worrying for my life that I was too overly medicated, that I might never wake up should I go to sleep, and would die in my sleep. For a little while after that, I sat on the couch just trying to keep my eyes open so that I none of that would happen. Eventually, I got to the previously mentioned destination - 'out like a light bulb' - and obviously woke up several hours later. While, when I woke up, no problems seemed to have occurred, I clearly remembered what had happened just before going to sleep.

Last night.... (by the time this will be posted, the night before, really) I did the same exact thing. I had been having a flare up that just wouldn't go away, and so - in my mind - there was no decision to be made; I took a Norco. I think a few hours later, I took my normal, nightly meds. Virtually the same thing happened to me. I - embarrassingly enough - dozed off in the bathroom, and when I was just conscious enough to get up and out of there, I headed for the kitchen. The vertigo seemed even worse, and I was essentially having a flash back to the first incident. In seconds, I got this horrible nausea and raced (or, rather, drunkenly stumbled) to the bathroom and spilled my guts.

So... if I don't learn that my meds in combination with a Norco is a bad idea by now, I'm probably pretty stupid. I checked drug interactions on Drugs.com (admittedly, there's no guarantee on the reliability or completeness of their database, but it's not a bad idea), and... sure enough, there were two, and they both involved hydrocodone. Hydrocodone in combination with both Lamictal and Seroquel, according to their database, can cause serious CNS depression (each given a 'Moderate' alert.) If each one is moderate, then I just wonder what both of them together makes.

I don't want to take Norco within even several hours from my nightly meds, anymore, but I don't want severe, persistent pain while I'm waiting for my meds to kick in, or while I'm trying to sleep. Normally, once my meds put me to sleep, I'm out, and few things fully wake me up and keep me up. But once I'm up, or if I'm still trying to get to sleep, it's hard to get back to sleep. Pain can keep me from getting to sleep, and if I get up, be troublesome when trying to get back to sleep.

Seems a bit like a dilemma to me; perhaps it's a crossroad where I need to figure out how to deal with this. During the day, Norco has no problematic side-effects, and during the night, I'm more vulnerable to problematic pain, but I need to get to sleep and stay (as) stable (as I can), so ditching my normal meds isn't an option. NSAIDs and regular, over-the-counter meds like acetaminophen (Tylenol) just don't do anything, and those are typically the 'safe' avenue for pain relief. Although, the Piroxicam does seem to have a marginal, beneficial effect, and I definitely noticed I'm worse off without it, it doesn't actually solve anything. Even with Norco, the fibromyalgia pain can pierce through, though make it tolerable.

I'm gonna have to talk to my doctor. I've been rather safe and careful with Norco so far, but I possibly could still be a bit safer. I'm gonna actually try to learn from this, rather than stubbornly dismiss it. It's not good for me, and it's honestly pretty scary. I don't want to ever feel like my heart is just gonna stop all of a sudden anytime in the near future, that's for certain.

Breathless

The light that shines through the window into the dark room is cold blue-grey. It once was a warm, sandstone orange like the Tuscan sun. The walls are hardly illuminated, full of shadows and shivers. When did it get so barren and bland? When did the life get so sucked out of the light? The sun's no longer yellow, but pure white. The sky's no longer blue, but pure white. The clouds are the only ones who stayed true during the day, already having lacked color, but during the evening... too, are bleached. And as the sun hides behind the hills, they become gradient until utter blackness.

I'm tired. It's tiring. Slow days of lulling grey, mixed with humidity and birds chirping, and the fatigue of merely living. I feel the pain in my bones, the tears that want to come out, but can't — the onslaught on my body drives me down into the ground. I lose my breath and it flees from me. Why can't I catch it with my net and nestle it back within my lungs where it belongs? I sigh, and sigh, and sigh, shallow sighs as desperate attempts at ensnaring breath. But it's not enough.

My eyes become heavy, difficult to hold open. My body wants to fall into a coma and I'm almost willing to abide. Electric pain courses down and throughout my body in unbearable waves. Each bolt drains the life out of me until there's nothing more to take. My eyes water, but I still can't cry. I moan, trying to let out the demon's in vain attempts. "Kill me now," I pray to Azrael. "Take the life from my bones, give mercy on my soul." But no voice answers in return. I lie in total silence... I lie in wait... I lie in slowly... waning... hope.

A semi-fictional vignette about fibromyalgia and the closely intertwined depression.