Depression, Anxiety, Healthcare, and School

This'll be a long post... just so you know. Lots of updates and information.

Yesterday... I was asked a question - a surprisingly daunting question. "When will you be ready?" To give it context, 'When will you be ready [to face your anxieties]?' There was much more to the question, but that essentially sums it up in the most basic form. Before I answered, I simply stared at the computer screen for several minutes. I didn't know what to say.

When I finally came up with an answer, it was quite lengthy and, honestly, quite depressing. Rather than explaining when I will be ready, I listed various reasons why I might not - maybe even ever - be ready. The more I wrote, the more depressed and anxious I got. It leaked into the rest of my day and still affects me a bit now. And, when Mom asked if I was depressed because the rheumatologist I went to deemed I have not fibromyalgia, I answered, "Why would I be depressed because of that?" It was deflection. She knew it, I'm sure.

I'm really, really stupid with some of my moods. Mania, I'll tell everyone in the world that I'm manic, or weird, or maybe even insane. I have no problem expressing my mania. Depression, on the other hand, seems like it needs to be a deep, dark secret that I must hide from everyone I can. I feel like expressing my depression would cause confrontation, whereas mania usually just gets a few weird looks an maybe a benign comment or two, or encouragement because I can become more productive. Depression and anxiety are the opposite for me. Also, depression and anxiety are twins that just love to tag-team me.

To be honest, maybe I was a bit depressed at the news that I probably don't have fibromyalgia (from the sound of it, the rheumatologist seems quite certain of that.) It's like being told you have cancer, and then told you don't - but to a much milder extent. It can disrupt your life and simply screw you over. It ought to be good news, but it just simply doesn't seem that way. And, in the case of it not being fibromyalgia, it means that it's some other, unknown issue, and the mystery of it is more daunting than being able to give it a name.

But my moods have been getting darker much more easily as of late. It doesn't take much to send me into an utterly negative mindset - even total hopelessness. At those points, making progress in my life seems like it's not even an option. It makes me just want to lay in my bed and never get out. It makes me want to sleep and never wake up. It makes me want to avoid... life. Avoiding life, of course, isn't really a viable option, either. But, in those moments, it seems like a better way to go.

Once you fall into a ten foot hole, it can be rather difficult to climb out (especially when you're only 5'2"!) You want help, and you probably can't get out without help, but some people are just too damn stubborn to ask! Like me. It's embarrassing, it's shameful, and it's awkward. I often think, "I'm not deserving of help," or, "I'll be thought less of if I ask for help (as if admitting defeat.)" Telepathy would be a nice thing at these times.

The irritability that comes with depression and anxiety is also rather obtrusive. It certainly doesn't mesh well with those around me. What would normally be benign acts and words can suddenly become a trigger for a fierce or frustrated reaction. Playing around and joking is also often a no-no at those times. But, me being me, how is anyone supposed to know this? I'd rather sweep my feeling and moods under the rug anytime they come up, sometimes even masquerading as the total opposite of how I'm actually doing. It's often even simply a subconscious reaction - a smile or a laugh when, really, I just don't care, and I want to curl up into a ball on a bed and shut everyone out.

The fact that I try to stay out, that I try to be around people, is actually a sign of me putting effort into dealing with the moods, even if it really doesn't seem so. I was thinking about just going into my room, lighting incense, and then just laying in the dark, even though I knew I wouldn't get to sleep - I'm still not asleep. The persistent pain hasn't been helping, either. I've been wondering if I've already started building up a tolerance to my Norco. Two Norco at one time seems to do the trick much better than one, though I haven't tried 1½, yet.

Something else of note... I've actually been gaining about a pound a month for the past several months. I think I've gained about 7+ pounds in all. Since around October I've been eating and eating - especially sugary things and just junk food in general. Prior, I hadn't often cared for sugary things, at least. Now, I can't stop having them. Candy, ice cream... I just have an insatiable appetite for comfort foods - foods that just aren't overall good for you in bulk.

My disability claim got denied again. That probably hasn't been working wonders on my moods, either. We - a disability lawyer included - think that the claim got filed incorrectly. It could still take months more before any real progress is made, even when filed correctly, and - knowing the government and social security - just might deny me after that! Aaron having trouble finding a job, my lack of disability benefits, and other threats to our total income, have been rather paralytically devastating, even more. If I were asked if I'm stressed... I think the answer is pretty obvious.

I looked into programs for getting a high school diploma after 4 in high school, and even dropping out. Apparently, community and technical schools may offer high school degrees. One such program actually requires you to drop out of high school in order to get a high school diploma via a community college. Never really think of going to college without even completing high school, but apparently it can happen under the right circumstances.

The only real hitch is that you likely would have to pay tuition to get that diploma (though some colleges offer financial aid or may even waive the tuition completely.) It might be something to look into. From the bit I've read, it seems like it might be much easier than trying to get the diploma through the high school, and be better in the long run than getting a GED. I may even be able to do it after turning 21, should it come to that. If I could somehow manage to get that done - at least in the next year or two - it might significantly alleviate some of my stress. It's just getting there that's the problem.

I've also been looking into the recent Supreme Court ruling on Obama's Affordable Care Act, which could potentially help many people get insurance where they otherwise couldn't, or better insurance where it would've otherwise been shabbier. If things start to go south in that area, then maybe that could be a glimmer of hope. Obama at least did one thing right, even though it's strongly opposed. Some of the methods of getting the Affordable Care Act to work may or may not be the best - reducing taxation might backfire, or maybe that was dealt with well, as well. Putting some more costs in the hands of the insured may balance out the lowered taxation, though those feeds have been deemed a sort of taxation in itself.

I would love for our country to get a free healthcare system like Canada, and I think we could if we actually started doing some things right. capitalism actually screws up a lot of things, and it's just about the sole thing the government chooses to rely on as its lifeblood. Without capitalism, our would fall apart, but with capitalism, our country is falling apart more and more. Perhaps a sort of socialist, or even a fresher, less definable approach, would be better for our country. Hitler, while he was still at least mostly sane, even understood the benefits of socialism over capitalism or communism, and, before waging world like a lunatic against essentially the whole world, he drastically improved Germany's financial, economic, and job-related stability. But greed can utterly ruin a nation.

Obama wants to try to assimilate our healthcare to Canada's, at least a little bit, which I think is admirable, even if some of his other ideas and/or methods are flawed (but what president didn't have flaws in his administration?) Honestly, though, if our situation doesn't improve - and fast - Canada still seems like a pretty good place to become a citizen of.

Well, this blog was all over the place and quite long, but it was good to get all of these things out and off my chest. My mind's been so haphazard and just... off, so to let it pour out is quite a relief. I'm still not all too expecting of a complete turn around very soon, but things are - at least a little bit - starting to look up. How you can really know that things were bad and are now improving is that I went a whole day without even bothering to work on my D&D, and now I'm actually wanting to do that, at least for a little bit, when I wake up next. Geeze, 8:30 - yep, really ought to get to sleep. So I'll do that now... Oh, and I forgot that I have an appointment in a matter of hours... Oops.