I've been in what I refer to as an 'emotionally impressionable state.' Essentially, it means that I have very, very little resilience emotionally, and am easily swayed by life events, essentially the opposite of typical bipolar moods, which are rather difficult to budge. If something good happens, then my mood is likely to rise, and if something bad happens, my mood is likely to plummet. Even things in others' lives (e.g. a family member dies, they lose their job, they show inhuman perseverance, et cetera) then I'm likely to empathise and assimilate to their feelings. This, to me, seems very Borderline-ish, especially since it's just not very characteristic of bipolar.
I previously wrote about that little voice in my head thinking I should drop my meds, and - while it's like an alcoholic thinking about having a drink - it wasn't much of a threat. However, when I get in these more rapidly fluctuating moods, it sounds like a better and better idea. Having the moods is like having a beer lying around, and the alcoholic glancing over from time to time, fighting off the urge that haunts them. With it right there, it's harder to deny than when it's at least a bit off in the distance.
Even if I do decide to drop my meds... which would be a sketchy decision... it would be wisest to gradually drop down, instead of go immediately cold turkey. I've heard of plenty of people getting (safely) off of their meds and still... well... living. It can feel as though meds take a person's emotional spectrum and chops it up and cuts out a lot, and then it just doesn't feel right... To represent it more visually, say this is the full spectrum off of meds:
Depression 'Normal' Mania
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On meds, it feels more like:
N-Dep 'Normal' H-Mania
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'N-Dep' meaning 'Near Depression,' or simply not deep depression and 'H-Mania' meaning 'Hypomania.' I put Normal in quotes because it's a very relative term.
As you can see, it's a rainbow that's missing colors. It's incomplete. For other people, the full spectrum probably has all the colors, but different levels (e.g. sadness instead of depression and happiness instead of mania.) So, for a person with a more normal spectrum, cutting out the two ends would essentially be ridding them of sadness and happiness; it would be extremely bland. That's how it feels, to me, with this shorter spectrum. Strangely, that's why I feel better when I can fall into depression and fly into mania. Experiencing the whole rainbow is like nothing else, and is irreplaceable.
I don't think I'll ever be able to adjust completely to a more normal spectrum. I don't know if I'd want to. I know I would never commit suicide and that I would never sporadically run in front of a bus because I saw something interesting on the other side of the road. I'd never do drugs and I'd likely not drink (at least much.) If I could try to manage sleep and learn mindfulness with... probably years of therapy, maybe my meds wouldn't be completely necessary (or I could try to manage my moods to a lesser degree so that I don't crash and fly too low and too high, respectively, but I still get a fuller range. These are some things to ponder. Then again, maybe these thoughts will just start to dissolve until a later time.
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