Manic-Depressive

I don't think that people quite understand the willpower it takes almost every day of my life to hold onto the little bit of stability I have. I think that I just cover it up to look just casual enough.

There were two parents who made a movie after their child's death (called Boy Interrupted.) He was diagnosed with bipolar when he was just a very, very young child and casually spoke of suicide practically since he could walk. Right before he finally did commit suicide, his parents attempted to get their son to see his psychiatrist because he had previously dropped his meds because he was 'feeling fine,' with worrying symptoms soon after arising. However... just the day before, the boy threw himself out of his window and he died. He psychiatrist later said, they [bipolar people] all drop their meds.

Well... I think that the latter statement is true. Even I have to admit that I once dropped my meds. Felt pretty awful and something I'll never forget. But, despite this, I still often get the urge to drop my meds out of the blue and dive right back into that chaos. Those highs and lows... there's just something strangely seductive about them. The highs are quite obviously enticing, I think. But the lows are, too. The highs make you feel better than alive, while the lows can simply make you feel alive, at least for me. It's like without the lows, life is surreal. I get plenty of bouts of both, but it's just not quite the same - neither in intensity or frequency.

If I were to say that I wanted to drop my meds because I 'felt fine,' then that would be quite true. Feeling fine isn't always the best feeling in the world, especially for someone who craves instability like me. Self-sabotaging, impulsivity, and - especially - doubt and guilt, become regular things for people like me. Some people don't even realise how much they crave instability, yet they still do these exact same things, almost like a dangerous drug.

Luckily for me, I've never taken drugs - at least not illegal narcotics, or anything like that. My drugs are usually just bad habits, video games, and other useless things that simply give me some sort of enjoyment or relief. These can also often turn into impulsive behaviors that are much like itches I just have to scratch. I often feel like I just can't control my body - like someone else was making my every move for me. I stand back, at least metaphorically, and see the things I do in awe and guilt.

I've been asked more times than I can count, 'Is this really how you want to live your life?' and I always respond, at least one way or another, 'No.' Of course it isn't. Or, at least, the logical side of my mind doesn't want that. But it happens anyway because the irrational side always manages to have more power. And so... with every day, I think, 'What if I stopped taking my meds?' I know it would be catastrophic, but I just can't shake the urge. I've managed to muster all of the willpower I can to keep it from happening, but then I have just about no willpower for anything else.

My life is exhausting, but people can't even see that. And then you add fibromyalgia and anxieties and it's simply catatonic. It's disabling. I'm getting nowhere fast. And, the faster I run, the more nowhere I get.