I lie down, close my eyes, and lay my arm across the bridge of my nose
to block any light that would peer through my eyelids. As my wrist
dangles beside my ear, I hear the ticking of my watch - tick, tick,
tick. I can hear the passage of time. One tick after the other, and they
don’t stop. Even if I smashed the watch, the ticks wouldn’t stop. Even
if I destroyed every clock in the world, the ticking wouldn’t stop. So,
instead, I try to relax, let the beta blocker settle in, and listen
carefully to the ticking in hopes it might lull me to sleep, instead of
sending me into a panic.
Tick, tick, tick. Even when I take the
watch away from my ear, I can hear the ticking in my head. The ticking
reminds me that time moves ever forward against our will. I can almost
feel my bones cracking, my cells dying, my skin wrinkling, my vision
fading, my hearing withering, all with age. I peer into my inevitable
future should I stay this course, and it’s a lonely, decrepit existence.
Should I even make it to old age, should I even have children, I
must’ve had some miracles handed down to me from above, perhaps out of
pity. Likely, my mind would rot away with my body, and I’d probably die
before I turned eighty. This is, of course, the luckier of the possible
outcomes. Luckier, or just extended.
As the world around me
cracks and crumbles with me, becoming overgrown with nature reclaiming
its land, I fade into sleep. Sometimes, I wonder, “Will this be my last?
Will I wake again?” I often don’t have too many qualms no matter the
answer. Either I do wake up again, and I get one more hand to gamble
with, or I don’t and I resign from this circuitous, laborious game. For a
long time, a great and impeding malaise has hung over me and ensnared
me, making most everything a great task to defeat. I’ve been tired for
about as long, and am surprised already at how long I’ve lasted. But
it’s not my bones or my body that’s cracking; it’s my mind and my soul.
It’s not so easy to repair and sustain one’s mind and soul.
“Depression
is the inability to construct a future,” said the psychologist, Rollo
May. For much of my life, I have and will have no future. I will have
good days and I will have bad days. I may be manic, or I may be
depressed. But whether I even have a future, I will inevitably fall
asleep, letting fate decide if I am to wake.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Reflections in the Waters of Reality (January 15th, 2014)
For years, I've wanted to be totally insane... wanted to
have to depend on others just to survive. I've wanted to be broken,
busted, and overall useless to the world. My perceptions of reality
often shift and switch like the sands of a desert, or the waters of a
sea. The surface was never the same, but what was deeper often was, even
though I couldn't easily see it. Usually, the only times that I came
face-to-face with what was below, I was choking or drowning on sand or
brackish waters - sometimes both at the same time. I realise now... just
how often I use metaphors involving drowning, and I'm beginning to
connect that to the few times that I nearly drowned in my childhood,
keeping me from learning how to swim until I turned 9. I only learned
how to swim because of my bipolar mania egging me on, taking away all my
inhibitions. I'm beginning to realise just how relevant all these small
events are in my life.
And water really is a great descriptor for me. Sometimes, life becomes very... very silent and calm... like when the water has filled your lungs and your consciousness begins to fade, your body sinking slowly into darker and darker waters. The water is cold, and yet you don't feel cold... You feel... feel... happy. Everything slows down, becomes so peaceful... But, if you're lucky, you're pulled out of that delusion, things suddenly go black and then white as the water you choked down comes pouring out of your lungs. You're no longer under the surface, drowning, but coming back to the world with air back in your lungs. You feel pain... such... sharp pain, much unlike the soothing calm of drowning slowly. Unreality is a terribly... soothing - horrifyingly so - thing. Reality is always sharp and cold like millions of tiny razorblades cutting deeply across your insides. Waking alive, or fading toward death - reality and unreality.
I like to fade into oblivion... “Illusions allow us to feel good instead of bad,” I believe I’m paraphrasing Freud a bit. But the problem with illusions is that they aren’t real. Or are they? It gets too fucking hard to tell, sometimes. What’s one person’s reality is rarely another’s, and connections are often forged over the few times that two people’s realities overlap. But instead of flat, transparent sheets, which can be laid one over the other, my realities are warped and contorted in ways that don’t often allow others to see eye-to-eye with me, or vice-versa, and yet I can often contort it just enough that it does suitably overlap, even if it shouldn’t. Do I forge false realities to create false similarities? Share experiences that never actually happened?
I occasionally and periodically have these tears from reality like jumping headfirst into that pool. The waters break and burst as I fall in and rip through that thin, yet powerful, barrier - the skin. If I hit too hard, I smack it like cement, but if I dive or gently fall in, I glide right through and into the other realm. I may not quite get psychotic where I’m hearing voices and seeing things that aren’t really there - not anymore - but reality does change and become difficult to grasp. It becomes like water and pours through my fingers, not meant for holding it. My dreams start to fade into reality, and reality into dreams, until I can’t so easily distinguish. And when I wake? Soaked, like I came out of a pool... It’s like I came back out of that lullaby-like drowning state and returned to the realm of the living. But I’m soaked in the dream and can’t get it out of me... It blurs with my daily perceptions. It blurs with what I think to be reality.
Really, in the end, the most I want to do with my life is have someone to love and who loves me back... My love would be unconditional - I know it for a fact. I’d live my life dedicated to that person, have a family if possible, and love the children unconditionally, as well. I’m just a sucker for love, in the end. I feel like I would do just about anything to find it, and there are nights that I just stay up longing for it...
I don’t have anyone like that... No one to show my affection to, to move on in my life with... No one to fight for: both my own personal battles, and our shared battles. I have no one to live for, to dream for, to hope for, to fight for... I have no muse to keep me waking up each day, and bring meaning to my life. I have an empty shell just waiting to become filled and invigorated. Nah, vigor is something I utterly lack. I’m just a step or two from dead inside, with those seeds begging for water and good soil to dig roots into. If I could find that water and soil - my life and foundation - then my seeds could take root and grow into vast, lively trees or ferns or bushes... a plant that blossoms, basks in the glory of the sun, and loves life, as well as helps create it. I’m a romantic without any romance... a lover without love. I’m becoming so terribly, embarrassingly desperate for human connections that I sometimes actually think about slicing my arms wide open, just because I’d want to feel the love of a worried family member... or anyone who would offer it. I think time and time again about getting the razor - not to end my life, but just to elicit something from others and from my own heart. It would be like a defibrillator, shocking my heart back into existence, but with cold steel and scarlet tendrils.
Empty, lost, alone... These words I’d use to describe myself. But what words would I want to describe myself with? Loving, joyful, warm, compassionate, endearing, soulful... Oh, how I can dream.
And water really is a great descriptor for me. Sometimes, life becomes very... very silent and calm... like when the water has filled your lungs and your consciousness begins to fade, your body sinking slowly into darker and darker waters. The water is cold, and yet you don't feel cold... You feel... feel... happy. Everything slows down, becomes so peaceful... But, if you're lucky, you're pulled out of that delusion, things suddenly go black and then white as the water you choked down comes pouring out of your lungs. You're no longer under the surface, drowning, but coming back to the world with air back in your lungs. You feel pain... such... sharp pain, much unlike the soothing calm of drowning slowly. Unreality is a terribly... soothing - horrifyingly so - thing. Reality is always sharp and cold like millions of tiny razorblades cutting deeply across your insides. Waking alive, or fading toward death - reality and unreality.
I like to fade into oblivion... “Illusions allow us to feel good instead of bad,” I believe I’m paraphrasing Freud a bit. But the problem with illusions is that they aren’t real. Or are they? It gets too fucking hard to tell, sometimes. What’s one person’s reality is rarely another’s, and connections are often forged over the few times that two people’s realities overlap. But instead of flat, transparent sheets, which can be laid one over the other, my realities are warped and contorted in ways that don’t often allow others to see eye-to-eye with me, or vice-versa, and yet I can often contort it just enough that it does suitably overlap, even if it shouldn’t. Do I forge false realities to create false similarities? Share experiences that never actually happened?
I occasionally and periodically have these tears from reality like jumping headfirst into that pool. The waters break and burst as I fall in and rip through that thin, yet powerful, barrier - the skin. If I hit too hard, I smack it like cement, but if I dive or gently fall in, I glide right through and into the other realm. I may not quite get psychotic where I’m hearing voices and seeing things that aren’t really there - not anymore - but reality does change and become difficult to grasp. It becomes like water and pours through my fingers, not meant for holding it. My dreams start to fade into reality, and reality into dreams, until I can’t so easily distinguish. And when I wake? Soaked, like I came out of a pool... It’s like I came back out of that lullaby-like drowning state and returned to the realm of the living. But I’m soaked in the dream and can’t get it out of me... It blurs with my daily perceptions. It blurs with what I think to be reality.
Really, in the end, the most I want to do with my life is have someone to love and who loves me back... My love would be unconditional - I know it for a fact. I’d live my life dedicated to that person, have a family if possible, and love the children unconditionally, as well. I’m just a sucker for love, in the end. I feel like I would do just about anything to find it, and there are nights that I just stay up longing for it...
I don’t have anyone like that... No one to show my affection to, to move on in my life with... No one to fight for: both my own personal battles, and our shared battles. I have no one to live for, to dream for, to hope for, to fight for... I have no muse to keep me waking up each day, and bring meaning to my life. I have an empty shell just waiting to become filled and invigorated. Nah, vigor is something I utterly lack. I’m just a step or two from dead inside, with those seeds begging for water and good soil to dig roots into. If I could find that water and soil - my life and foundation - then my seeds could take root and grow into vast, lively trees or ferns or bushes... a plant that blossoms, basks in the glory of the sun, and loves life, as well as helps create it. I’m a romantic without any romance... a lover without love. I’m becoming so terribly, embarrassingly desperate for human connections that I sometimes actually think about slicing my arms wide open, just because I’d want to feel the love of a worried family member... or anyone who would offer it. I think time and time again about getting the razor - not to end my life, but just to elicit something from others and from my own heart. It would be like a defibrillator, shocking my heart back into existence, but with cold steel and scarlet tendrils.
Empty, lost, alone... These words I’d use to describe myself. But what words would I want to describe myself with? Loving, joyful, warm, compassionate, endearing, soulful... Oh, how I can dream.
Learned to Love the Bomb (August 25th, 2013)
I think that, every single day, I thank God, or whomever one would give
gratitude to if one is at all spiritual or religious, that I am bipolar.
Honestly, I don't believe that God has a direct hand in the going ons
of the universe ninety-nine-point-nine-repeating percent of the time,
but I do believe that - at any time - He could intervene... yet He
didn't. He didn't keep me from developing bipolar, nor did He 'cure' me
of it. It is His inaction that I am grateful for - or, at least... what I
presume to be His inaction. If bipolar was the result of negative
karma, like some kind of atonement, then I am overjoyed. I have enough
guilt to fill a lifetime already, whether truly justified or not, and
bipolar just... feels right as my path of atonement. But all must atone,
their entire lives, as no one is purely good. If you are born, you are
almost inevitably forced to atone (perhaps the only exception being
things like stillborn babies, or children who die at extremely young
ages.) I don't believe in the infallible and absolute innocence of
children, in all honesty, and believe that some children can be
conniving mongrels. So all, in their own way, must atone, though whether
or not they ever do is purely up to them. That's the beauty (and
horror) of free will.
So, why am I so grateful for my bipolar? Well... not an easy question to answer, even if I asked it, myself. I guess that, in the simplest and most concise way, I can say that bipolar made me who I am, and I'm glad that I didn't turn out differently. I'm also glad that the future is uncertain and so I have multiple paths to end up potentially someone entirely different - just hopefully for the better. Some see life as extremely linear - walking a straight line from beginning to end until you die. I don't see it that way... Think Schrödinger's Cat, but not necessarily with the certainty or belief that each possibility exists simultaneously in innumerable different worlds which each contain one of those innumerable possibilities. I do believe that the end result of all things is inevitable and already determined in some sense, but that free will allows us to determine our futures in the moment. It's somewhat paradoxical, and perhaps a little nonsensical to some or most, but it's what I believe. We make ourselves who we become, yet all time is, has, and will exist, meaning that all things have been done, thus determined. If one could warp to the future, I believe that they couldn't alter it, nor could the knowledge of that future alter the future. The future was already determined by all those who've lived from the done of time until that moment in the future, even if we currently exist before it. The past would be the same. Already determined, meaning we couldn't change the past or alter the present, and thusly the future. It's all inevitable, and yet we determine each detail.
I also like bipolar because I believe that, without it, I could never think of this kind of trippy crap. Bipolar is a drug that you don't take... you just have it. It exists within you, is made within you, and is a part of you. Highs that can whirl out of control or create pure euphoria, as well as the lows that can drive one mad, or strengthen the soul to be more enduring. All drugs have a price, all individuals a different opinion of those drugs, and all users different experiences using the drug. Bipolar's no different. Yes, some days it's unbearable and I just want to scream in agony, while others I'm so high off of myself that I couldn't have a care in the world. I can be paranoid and neurotic, or careless and overjoyed. Much of the time, I like the feeling that I don't have to be other people, or even try drugs, to have a strong sense of what it would be like if I did or could. Sure, drugs can more easily be taken at will and produce a certain effect almost immediately, while bipolar does what it wants when it wants. Sure, people reinvent themselves all the time, even changing their gender if they so wish, but my personality can shift so much that I don't feel I really need to reinvent myself. Certainly, some things are more persistent and need to be more willingly changed, but some things are more... plastic than others. Some things change on their own or quite easily, while others need to be changed by effort and willpower. Days long ago, I couldn't handle this vast differences in myself, and partitioned them as if separate people entirely, but I think I'm learning to embrace and incorporate all those differences into one body and one mind.
Without bipolar, I don't think that I would intellectually and spiritually embrace life like I do, despite the fact that I hardly ever embrace it physically, anymore (that's anxiety-related, though, not directly bipolar.) I don't think that I would see the world anything like I do now... It would probably be... logical, simple, and structured. I used to be incredibly quiet, very attentive, very logical... I do sometimes dwell and reminisce about those days of simplicity, but since when did simplicity really get anyone anywhere? And I am speaking relatively, here. Sure, without bipolar, I'd probably be drastically more successful in a social way, but sometimes I wonder if I would've been dead in a spiritual way. So called 'dead inside.' Sometimes, it seems like those deemed 'mentally healthy' are the most unhealthy. They thrive in the physical world, but frequently die in the spiritual and philosophical worlds. I believe that sociopaths are a perfect example of this... I am holding less and less against sociopaths, nowadays, but I do still see them as hollow, empty voids, conditioned only to prosper in this finite, mind-numbingly concrete world. Society was seemingly made for them, and yet those who constitute most of society tend to fear them. Why be such a proponent of something you fear? I'm holding less and less appreciation for the humans' world, of society, of economies and governments, of such confining man-made structures. We often complain when something is 'too much,' and yet humans almost without exception constantly add more to the monstrously vast social dynamics and physical creations. And as time goes on, as overall safety is more and more greatly assured, as we build walls and hold off threats by gun and missile, as we create medical treatments that fight off previously lethal illnesses and prolong lives, as we become more constructed and powerful as a species... something in us gets smaller and smaller and smaller... until it's nearly impossible to see. This little... glimmer. It fades just a little more each generation, each millennium... perhaps never fully disappearing (halving? since halving a value infinitely could never yield a complete and pure zero.)
But individuals pop up from time to time... They marginally revive this glimmer, breathing more life into the world. They're spiritually attuned and entuned (whether they know it or not.) Human existence, in the end, is like a vast network of speculation... Human life is like seeing a plane blow up in the sky, causing everyone to conjure up any possible explanation for such an incidence. But... for some reason, we rarely, or seemingly never, get to the next part... At least... not in this life. We never get to the part where the facts are laid out, proven infallible, and agreed on by at least the majority, perhaps with a handful of outliers. We're stuck in the speculative stage of guessing and assuming. But I do commend one particular quality of note... I commend those who can accept that the answers will be presented to them in due time, should the be presented to them at all, and try to simply await that time while moving on with the rest of their lives. I think that all who can do this act of self-restrain learn to do it at varying times relative to one another, at their own pace. It is true that... in life, things won't come to fruition, or simply in your life, if you do not seek them or take action, and yet I believe that things will happen when they happen. Do not stand idle, but do not necessarily expect to find what you're looking for. Seek with the notion that you might end up with something entirely different. What is the lyric? You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need, is it? Rings true with me. Each moment is a stepping stone to the next. However, their are many stepping stones after each stepping stone, and it's you're choice which to jump to. I think bipolar brought about more, new stepping stones for me... perhaps at the price of ones that may not have been 'meant to be.'
Final Note: Yes, the title is intended to be sarcastic, and somewhat ironic. However, I figured that bipolar is often like a ticking time bomb that goes off.. and then magically regenerates into another bomb that inevitably blows, in a continuous, endless cycle of explosions.
So, why am I so grateful for my bipolar? Well... not an easy question to answer, even if I asked it, myself. I guess that, in the simplest and most concise way, I can say that bipolar made me who I am, and I'm glad that I didn't turn out differently. I'm also glad that the future is uncertain and so I have multiple paths to end up potentially someone entirely different - just hopefully for the better. Some see life as extremely linear - walking a straight line from beginning to end until you die. I don't see it that way... Think Schrödinger's Cat, but not necessarily with the certainty or belief that each possibility exists simultaneously in innumerable different worlds which each contain one of those innumerable possibilities. I do believe that the end result of all things is inevitable and already determined in some sense, but that free will allows us to determine our futures in the moment. It's somewhat paradoxical, and perhaps a little nonsensical to some or most, but it's what I believe. We make ourselves who we become, yet all time is, has, and will exist, meaning that all things have been done, thus determined. If one could warp to the future, I believe that they couldn't alter it, nor could the knowledge of that future alter the future. The future was already determined by all those who've lived from the done of time until that moment in the future, even if we currently exist before it. The past would be the same. Already determined, meaning we couldn't change the past or alter the present, and thusly the future. It's all inevitable, and yet we determine each detail.
I also like bipolar because I believe that, without it, I could never think of this kind of trippy crap. Bipolar is a drug that you don't take... you just have it. It exists within you, is made within you, and is a part of you. Highs that can whirl out of control or create pure euphoria, as well as the lows that can drive one mad, or strengthen the soul to be more enduring. All drugs have a price, all individuals a different opinion of those drugs, and all users different experiences using the drug. Bipolar's no different. Yes, some days it's unbearable and I just want to scream in agony, while others I'm so high off of myself that I couldn't have a care in the world. I can be paranoid and neurotic, or careless and overjoyed. Much of the time, I like the feeling that I don't have to be other people, or even try drugs, to have a strong sense of what it would be like if I did or could. Sure, drugs can more easily be taken at will and produce a certain effect almost immediately, while bipolar does what it wants when it wants. Sure, people reinvent themselves all the time, even changing their gender if they so wish, but my personality can shift so much that I don't feel I really need to reinvent myself. Certainly, some things are more persistent and need to be more willingly changed, but some things are more... plastic than others. Some things change on their own or quite easily, while others need to be changed by effort and willpower. Days long ago, I couldn't handle this vast differences in myself, and partitioned them as if separate people entirely, but I think I'm learning to embrace and incorporate all those differences into one body and one mind.
Without bipolar, I don't think that I would intellectually and spiritually embrace life like I do, despite the fact that I hardly ever embrace it physically, anymore (that's anxiety-related, though, not directly bipolar.) I don't think that I would see the world anything like I do now... It would probably be... logical, simple, and structured. I used to be incredibly quiet, very attentive, very logical... I do sometimes dwell and reminisce about those days of simplicity, but since when did simplicity really get anyone anywhere? And I am speaking relatively, here. Sure, without bipolar, I'd probably be drastically more successful in a social way, but sometimes I wonder if I would've been dead in a spiritual way. So called 'dead inside.' Sometimes, it seems like those deemed 'mentally healthy' are the most unhealthy. They thrive in the physical world, but frequently die in the spiritual and philosophical worlds. I believe that sociopaths are a perfect example of this... I am holding less and less against sociopaths, nowadays, but I do still see them as hollow, empty voids, conditioned only to prosper in this finite, mind-numbingly concrete world. Society was seemingly made for them, and yet those who constitute most of society tend to fear them. Why be such a proponent of something you fear? I'm holding less and less appreciation for the humans' world, of society, of economies and governments, of such confining man-made structures. We often complain when something is 'too much,' and yet humans almost without exception constantly add more to the monstrously vast social dynamics and physical creations. And as time goes on, as overall safety is more and more greatly assured, as we build walls and hold off threats by gun and missile, as we create medical treatments that fight off previously lethal illnesses and prolong lives, as we become more constructed and powerful as a species... something in us gets smaller and smaller and smaller... until it's nearly impossible to see. This little... glimmer. It fades just a little more each generation, each millennium... perhaps never fully disappearing (halving? since halving a value infinitely could never yield a complete and pure zero.)
But individuals pop up from time to time... They marginally revive this glimmer, breathing more life into the world. They're spiritually attuned and entuned (whether they know it or not.) Human existence, in the end, is like a vast network of speculation... Human life is like seeing a plane blow up in the sky, causing everyone to conjure up any possible explanation for such an incidence. But... for some reason, we rarely, or seemingly never, get to the next part... At least... not in this life. We never get to the part where the facts are laid out, proven infallible, and agreed on by at least the majority, perhaps with a handful of outliers. We're stuck in the speculative stage of guessing and assuming. But I do commend one particular quality of note... I commend those who can accept that the answers will be presented to them in due time, should the be presented to them at all, and try to simply await that time while moving on with the rest of their lives. I think that all who can do this act of self-restrain learn to do it at varying times relative to one another, at their own pace. It is true that... in life, things won't come to fruition, or simply in your life, if you do not seek them or take action, and yet I believe that things will happen when they happen. Do not stand idle, but do not necessarily expect to find what you're looking for. Seek with the notion that you might end up with something entirely different. What is the lyric? You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need, is it? Rings true with me. Each moment is a stepping stone to the next. However, their are many stepping stones after each stepping stone, and it's you're choice which to jump to. I think bipolar brought about more, new stepping stones for me... perhaps at the price of ones that may not have been 'meant to be.'
Final Note: Yes, the title is intended to be sarcastic, and somewhat ironic. However, I figured that bipolar is often like a ticking time bomb that goes off.. and then magically regenerates into another bomb that inevitably blows, in a continuous, endless cycle of explosions.
Obsession (August 19th, 2013)
It's been... oh, maybe a little over a week, or about a week, since I
ran out of my Wellbutrin (atypical antidepressant/mild stimulant) and
gabapentin (anticonvulsant used to treat neuropathic pain, and has very
mild anxiolytic effects.) Now, I got my refills... err... technically
last night. Took my first doses since I've been off them. Well, every
time I go off of a med, it seems that I am reminded of just how much I
need it. Admittedly, the situation was a bit different with my other two
bipolar meds (Seroquel and Lamictal), as I safely tapered off those and
have been doing somewhat better than expected for the past several
months (about half a year, now!) Now, running out and having either one
of those cut off (not on purpose, or completely willingly) often caused
withdrawal in the past, which also caused bipolar symptoms to suddenly
and uncontrollably erupt. But I was extremely cautious and careful about
tapering off so I didn't really have to deal with any of that. Sure,
moods have been more erratic and much stronger since getting off my
primary bipolar meds, but it hasn't been anything I couldn't handle,
yet, so I'd say I'm doing fairly well.
Anyway... 7, 8, maybe 9 days off Wellbutrin and gabapentin, and things went south - fast. The Wellbutrin typically kept my mood a little higher, and sometimes even slightly contributed to increased incidences of hypomania and mania, but in its absence, I easily fell into a depression that only slightly lifted before slipping back down, over and over for almost every one of those days. Being an offshoot of stimulants (notice the 'amphetamine' in its scientific name: 3-chloro-N-tert-butyl-β-ketoamphetamine), I've also noticed the Wellbutrin help with my symptoms of ADHD and OCD. My gabapentin helped keep my fibromyalgia symptoms in check, and, both to a lesser direct degree and more strongly indirectly, my anxieties. Well, off them both, my anxieties began skyrocketing, I fell into the aforementioned depressive slumps, I had pain all over almost nonstop, I've been extremely lethargic and unmotivated, I've been getting hot flashes (fibro symptoms), chills - also fibro, agitation, irritability, sudden and unpredictable shifts in mood, intense obsessions and compulsions, as well as both obsessive and compulsive (or obsessive-compulsive) behaviors, my attention has been extremely scattered, getting distracted like a dog seeing a squirrel or trying to chase a ball that his owner didn't really throw, having anguish over certain phobias, and a myriad of other things here and there. It's been agonising.
The thought of going outside? Hasn't crossed my mind once.. Normally, I at least get daydreams about just being able to go outside and do something, but it's been out of the question to even think about it. I can barely sleep at night because of my arachnophobia (fear of spiders), and find it easier to sleep during the day since they're nocturnal creatures, and I could see them coming more easily if needed. I've been obsessing about all kinds of things. My OCD really kicked in when I offered my brother a taste for a drink I concocted. First, he grabbed a straw, and I thought it was alright, but then I shoved the straw away and adamantly insisted on putting a little bit in the cup. Instead of apparently wasting a cup, he just swiped the straw and made a little slurp. According to him, he was sucking even after taking the straw out in order not to let saliva flow back into the drink, but it was far, far too chancy for me. He then placed his palm atop my hamburger bun for some kind of joke that I forget now, much to my frustration. I went down stairs, tore the top off the bun off - any part that I could conceive his hand having touched - and fought with myself over bearing to drink the other 15 or so ounces of the drink I made after he used a straw.
This all sounds utterly ridiculous, I know. He used a straw? What's the problem, then? I can imagine so many thinking. Or, What, he just touched the top of your hamburger bun? So? Well, OCD isn't exactly rational... And, my brother being the overly mentally healthy, average guy that he is, couldn't see any harm in anything he'd done. I sat there for upwards of thirty minutes trying to convince myself that I should and could just drink that drink instead of pouring it all down the drain like I told my brother I was considering doing. Oy, vey, I gave him a bit of a verbal lashing just for using a straw. And then he said he didn't even like the drink... It used expensive coffee grounds, a decent amount of milk, and throwing it down the drain would be like throwing cash down the drain - cash that was already invested! My brother came to that same rationale, and even argued with me, implying that he would take offense since he's pretty much the only one with a job and bringing in money directly. And it's so stupid because I'm nearly brought to tears just replaying all this - and it was just a stupid drink with maybe a microlitre of saliva wash-back! For anyone who doesn't know what a microlitre is, it's 1/1,000,000 of a litre, or 1/1000 of a millilitre. Essentially, it's about nothing. Well, after arduous, actually painful, contemplation, I finally figured out how I could bear drinking it... I poured in some chocolate vodka. Made the taste a bit.. strange, but it put my overactive mind at ease... and I got through the whole drink without having to pour it down the drain! No wasted coffee grounds or milk, let alone chocolate syrup. And I managed to get over eating my sandwich by just peeling off the top layer of bun... But the ridiculously stupid agony that I had to go through for such trivial matters! It was absurd and idiotic. But it didn't matter. I was compelled, if not forced by my own mind to go through such asinine trials...
I've also been obsessively researching with virtually no attention span, jumping from one article to the next, researching all kinds of miscellaneous, almost pointless crap. I was sure I would get to be before 2:00 a.m. today... Well, I watched a two hour movie and took a shower... by that time, it was almost 3:00. I then got myself some tea and took my meds, in hopes to relax. I then remembered that my blanket was downstairs, so I went to get it. In the process of getting my blanket, I found myself sitting in front of the computer. "Oh! I need to check my e-mail to see if ______ replied!" Seemed harmless enough. Well, I did so, there was no reply, but there was a newsletter pertaining to bipolar from PsychCentral (I get them regularly.) Well, before I know it, I spent almost an hour reading articles and joined a website that helps track bipolar moods, sleep, and meds... I finally went up with my blanket, immediately having my mom ask why I'm not asleep yet. This was the second or third time already that she asked, so I just opted not to answer, and continued drinking the tea that I had left upstairs about an hour ago. After finishing the tea, my mom figures she'll use my being up as an opportunity to get an hour or so of sleep before having to take my brother to work. So, I stay up, watch a show until that hour is up, wake my mom up, and eat a can of tuna... with a wide assortment of seasonings, as I can never seem to leave certain things alone when seasonings are available! (By the way, I used 6 different kinds of bottled seasoning... for a can of tuna... at 5:15 a.m.) I then saw that there was a show on sleep disorders. Both ironic and fitting! So I stayed up and watched that... 6:00 a.m. Then I went down the stairs, blanket in hand, and stopped at the bottom of the stairs... Turn right, I go to my room... turn left, I go to the computer... After about 30 seconds, I turned left. I got on here, started researching, then writing this, then researching, then writing more of this, until I am where I am, now... 7:28 a.m. Fuck!
I have an appointment... today... at 12:00... A few hours of sleep? Maybe? Hopefully?
I take in a deep breath, close my eyes, and breath out... Yeah, I need to sleep.
Anyway... 7, 8, maybe 9 days off Wellbutrin and gabapentin, and things went south - fast. The Wellbutrin typically kept my mood a little higher, and sometimes even slightly contributed to increased incidences of hypomania and mania, but in its absence, I easily fell into a depression that only slightly lifted before slipping back down, over and over for almost every one of those days. Being an offshoot of stimulants (notice the 'amphetamine' in its scientific name: 3-chloro-N-tert-butyl-β-ketoamphetamine), I've also noticed the Wellbutrin help with my symptoms of ADHD and OCD. My gabapentin helped keep my fibromyalgia symptoms in check, and, both to a lesser direct degree and more strongly indirectly, my anxieties. Well, off them both, my anxieties began skyrocketing, I fell into the aforementioned depressive slumps, I had pain all over almost nonstop, I've been extremely lethargic and unmotivated, I've been getting hot flashes (fibro symptoms), chills - also fibro, agitation, irritability, sudden and unpredictable shifts in mood, intense obsessions and compulsions, as well as both obsessive and compulsive (or obsessive-compulsive) behaviors, my attention has been extremely scattered, getting distracted like a dog seeing a squirrel or trying to chase a ball that his owner didn't really throw, having anguish over certain phobias, and a myriad of other things here and there. It's been agonising.
The thought of going outside? Hasn't crossed my mind once.. Normally, I at least get daydreams about just being able to go outside and do something, but it's been out of the question to even think about it. I can barely sleep at night because of my arachnophobia (fear of spiders), and find it easier to sleep during the day since they're nocturnal creatures, and I could see them coming more easily if needed. I've been obsessing about all kinds of things. My OCD really kicked in when I offered my brother a taste for a drink I concocted. First, he grabbed a straw, and I thought it was alright, but then I shoved the straw away and adamantly insisted on putting a little bit in the cup. Instead of apparently wasting a cup, he just swiped the straw and made a little slurp. According to him, he was sucking even after taking the straw out in order not to let saliva flow back into the drink, but it was far, far too chancy for me. He then placed his palm atop my hamburger bun for some kind of joke that I forget now, much to my frustration. I went down stairs, tore the top off the bun off - any part that I could conceive his hand having touched - and fought with myself over bearing to drink the other 15 or so ounces of the drink I made after he used a straw.
This all sounds utterly ridiculous, I know. He used a straw? What's the problem, then? I can imagine so many thinking. Or, What, he just touched the top of your hamburger bun? So? Well, OCD isn't exactly rational... And, my brother being the overly mentally healthy, average guy that he is, couldn't see any harm in anything he'd done. I sat there for upwards of thirty minutes trying to convince myself that I should and could just drink that drink instead of pouring it all down the drain like I told my brother I was considering doing. Oy, vey, I gave him a bit of a verbal lashing just for using a straw. And then he said he didn't even like the drink... It used expensive coffee grounds, a decent amount of milk, and throwing it down the drain would be like throwing cash down the drain - cash that was already invested! My brother came to that same rationale, and even argued with me, implying that he would take offense since he's pretty much the only one with a job and bringing in money directly. And it's so stupid because I'm nearly brought to tears just replaying all this - and it was just a stupid drink with maybe a microlitre of saliva wash-back! For anyone who doesn't know what a microlitre is, it's 1/1,000,000 of a litre, or 1/1000 of a millilitre. Essentially, it's about nothing. Well, after arduous, actually painful, contemplation, I finally figured out how I could bear drinking it... I poured in some chocolate vodka. Made the taste a bit.. strange, but it put my overactive mind at ease... and I got through the whole drink without having to pour it down the drain! No wasted coffee grounds or milk, let alone chocolate syrup. And I managed to get over eating my sandwich by just peeling off the top layer of bun... But the ridiculously stupid agony that I had to go through for such trivial matters! It was absurd and idiotic. But it didn't matter. I was compelled, if not forced by my own mind to go through such asinine trials...
I've also been obsessively researching with virtually no attention span, jumping from one article to the next, researching all kinds of miscellaneous, almost pointless crap. I was sure I would get to be before 2:00 a.m. today... Well, I watched a two hour movie and took a shower... by that time, it was almost 3:00. I then got myself some tea and took my meds, in hopes to relax. I then remembered that my blanket was downstairs, so I went to get it. In the process of getting my blanket, I found myself sitting in front of the computer. "Oh! I need to check my e-mail to see if ______ replied!" Seemed harmless enough. Well, I did so, there was no reply, but there was a newsletter pertaining to bipolar from PsychCentral (I get them regularly.) Well, before I know it, I spent almost an hour reading articles and joined a website that helps track bipolar moods, sleep, and meds... I finally went up with my blanket, immediately having my mom ask why I'm not asleep yet. This was the second or third time already that she asked, so I just opted not to answer, and continued drinking the tea that I had left upstairs about an hour ago. After finishing the tea, my mom figures she'll use my being up as an opportunity to get an hour or so of sleep before having to take my brother to work. So, I stay up, watch a show until that hour is up, wake my mom up, and eat a can of tuna... with a wide assortment of seasonings, as I can never seem to leave certain things alone when seasonings are available! (By the way, I used 6 different kinds of bottled seasoning... for a can of tuna... at 5:15 a.m.) I then saw that there was a show on sleep disorders. Both ironic and fitting! So I stayed up and watched that... 6:00 a.m. Then I went down the stairs, blanket in hand, and stopped at the bottom of the stairs... Turn right, I go to my room... turn left, I go to the computer... After about 30 seconds, I turned left. I got on here, started researching, then writing this, then researching, then writing more of this, until I am where I am, now... 7:28 a.m. Fuck!
I have an appointment... today... at 12:00... A few hours of sleep? Maybe? Hopefully?
I take in a deep breath, close my eyes, and breath out... Yeah, I need to sleep.
Social Constructs, Logic, and Irrationality (August 7th, 2013)
I find it particularly interesting when someone says, "You're being
irrational," as they are being irrational by conveying the other
person's irrationality, especially when on a very social level.
'Irrational' isn't always bad, and much of the 'right-brain' is
irrational. Irrational simply means not solid, simplistic, and logical.
While, certainly, it can mean that the person is detached from any sort
of reasoning, it can mean that they're behaving abstractly. Abstractions
are made on a regular basis by the human mind and are required for
society and social constructs to exist. While neither society nor social
constructs are themselves rational and logical, but are rather
irrational and abstract, both can be rationalised in various ways. The
brain has two hemispheres that regularly communicate with one another,
constantly transforming logic into ideas, and abstractions into
rationales. While it has been discovered that humans can survive and
adapt with only one half of the brain - one hemisphere - while the brain
remains whole, there is rigorous and constant translation and
conversion of logic into concepts, and vice versa, between those
hemispheres.
No one part of the brain is purely abstract or purely concrete, however. Then again, virtually nothing in the world is purely abstract or concrete so long as one's consciousness exists. Remove consciousness and simply let the physical world exist, and you have only concrete things. Much of what is abstract is based purely on perceptions, and the entirety of one's mind is abstract. Even when doing mathematics, the mind is relying on both logical and abstract processes, as the symbols which represent numbers and various functions are themselves abstract creations, as well as fairly arbitrary. So, any time that you see a math equation, you are looking at something abstract representing something logical. However, on the other hand, if you actually had seven oranges, and then pushed five apples in with the bunch of oranges, then you would have a total of 13 fruits - that's apparent and obvious. But the very letters and words used to convey that idea, and the idea itself (being hypothetical) is abstract.
Even the ideas of 'abstract' and 'logical' are abstract, because they're ideas, and ideas aren't tangible. This makes religion irrational and abstract, as well, though that certainly does not make it unreal, as the effects are observable and apparent. Once something begins to have effects, it becomes real in some sense, thus rational in some sense. The only things that are utterly unreal, lacking effects and lacking some kind of rational basis are those things which do not exist and have never even been thought of before. Some argue that there are numbers that don't exist, yet they've been conceptualised, brought into consciousness, and thus exist in some indirect and abstract way, making the idea of them real. Even then, the actual (or hypothetical) numbers aren't truly observable, nor are they truly fathomable, making them have no real, logical basis. It is the idea of them that is observable, fathomable, and has a real, logical basis. The ironic thing is how the idea is built from truly real things, not exactly the thing it is meant to represent.
Social constructs are artificial, but real, irrational, but can be rationalised, arbitrary, but have meaningful effects and purposes. Social constructs can be observed, made at least partly tangible, and do require extensive use of the right hemisphere, yet are abstract, conceptual, often intangible, and also require extensive use of the left hemisphere. What makes social constructs so infuriating for many is how they are arbitrary and nearly impossible to universally and accurately understand, as one must deal with other, separate entities with free-will, and who can just as easily conform to such constructs as not conform. Social constructs depend on the statistical baselines of societies as wholes, while somewhat neglecting humans as individuals. No individual's actions are reliable, nor truly predictable, yet averages and predictions of humanity as a whole, singular entity can much more accurately and reliably be made. In this sense, social constructs pay very little attention to any one individual, but pays extreme attention to the masses. This in a way devalues the singular while valuing the whole. Individuals like myself, who both have trouble understanding and conforming to social constructs, as well as value the singular individuals highly, and the whole somewhat less, can have serious personal issues with social constructions.
Now, I do not mean to suggest that I would rather have one individual be valued over the rest - I feel quite differently. Instead of seeing humans as fields, I see them as many blades of grass. You can either group them up to devalue the individual (which is reliant on all of those individuals to exist, itself), or you can see them as many individuals that are each different, and which each have value. Many eschew the concept of the individual seeing it as counterproductive to the good of the whole, when really, it just takes more effort, and they don't want to put in that effort. Certainly, it's true that not every individual human can get the precise treatment and level of attention they deserve, but that doesn't mean that they should be universally ignored in favor of 'grander schemes,' or some such.
Morality is not truly social, though it can have strong effects in society. Morals are internal, personal, and individual, whereas ethics are determined by society, and may be formed by the accumulation of more common morals (again, the individual is random, the masses are predictable.) Ethics frequently turn into law, and laws shape many of the boundaries of society. If anything, society owes everything to morals, yet is like a bastardisation and heavily morphed descendent of morality. As societies grow and change, and spring new societies, it gets more and more distanced and skewed away from the root morals. Nothing can truly be called amoral, unless and individual truly lacks a moral code (the most likely candidates for such a mind would be sociopaths, though even they can display some semblance of moral code.) Each individual has morals, and those morals may contradict another's morals - which is when one calls the other 'amoral.' Morals aren't truly good or bad, as in the end, good and bad are themselves blurry and even arbitrary. Good and bad are, instead, based somewhat more closely on ethics, which is societal, which can be averaged and given a baseline, which can be constrained by and influence laws, and which can be enforced by the masses based on a shared idea (though, with the individual, it can be contradicted and questioned, as the individual is unpredictable.) Predictable, when referring to an individual, rather means 'close or similar to the average.' Some people do simply go very in line with the average of the masses, which makes them more predictable, despite the fact that their capability of employing free will can still bring about a sudden and unpredictable nature at any given point. For instance, it's been shown that virtually anyone and everyone can be driven to murder in the right circumstances, no matter how 'predictable' or 'good' they are.
What irks me most about society is when it's given incredible weight over any other factor. Society and social constructs should never trump the individual and the unique mind, and yet they frequently do, even if we don't realise it. When someone says that they don't vote during elections because their one tiny vote won't make a difference, they're right to some extent, but when you consider the accumulation of such 'tiny votes,' if many, many more individuals thought the same way, then the results of a vote could be drastically swayed in a different direction. Every vote does and doesn't count, in that no one vote matters as long as there are many, many more, but to make that larger number, you must have an accumulation of individual votes. The individual should never so easily be discounted.
No one part of the brain is purely abstract or purely concrete, however. Then again, virtually nothing in the world is purely abstract or concrete so long as one's consciousness exists. Remove consciousness and simply let the physical world exist, and you have only concrete things. Much of what is abstract is based purely on perceptions, and the entirety of one's mind is abstract. Even when doing mathematics, the mind is relying on both logical and abstract processes, as the symbols which represent numbers and various functions are themselves abstract creations, as well as fairly arbitrary. So, any time that you see a math equation, you are looking at something abstract representing something logical. However, on the other hand, if you actually had seven oranges, and then pushed five apples in with the bunch of oranges, then you would have a total of 13 fruits - that's apparent and obvious. But the very letters and words used to convey that idea, and the idea itself (being hypothetical) is abstract.
Even the ideas of 'abstract' and 'logical' are abstract, because they're ideas, and ideas aren't tangible. This makes religion irrational and abstract, as well, though that certainly does not make it unreal, as the effects are observable and apparent. Once something begins to have effects, it becomes real in some sense, thus rational in some sense. The only things that are utterly unreal, lacking effects and lacking some kind of rational basis are those things which do not exist and have never even been thought of before. Some argue that there are numbers that don't exist, yet they've been conceptualised, brought into consciousness, and thus exist in some indirect and abstract way, making the idea of them real. Even then, the actual (or hypothetical) numbers aren't truly observable, nor are they truly fathomable, making them have no real, logical basis. It is the idea of them that is observable, fathomable, and has a real, logical basis. The ironic thing is how the idea is built from truly real things, not exactly the thing it is meant to represent.
Social constructs are artificial, but real, irrational, but can be rationalised, arbitrary, but have meaningful effects and purposes. Social constructs can be observed, made at least partly tangible, and do require extensive use of the right hemisphere, yet are abstract, conceptual, often intangible, and also require extensive use of the left hemisphere. What makes social constructs so infuriating for many is how they are arbitrary and nearly impossible to universally and accurately understand, as one must deal with other, separate entities with free-will, and who can just as easily conform to such constructs as not conform. Social constructs depend on the statistical baselines of societies as wholes, while somewhat neglecting humans as individuals. No individual's actions are reliable, nor truly predictable, yet averages and predictions of humanity as a whole, singular entity can much more accurately and reliably be made. In this sense, social constructs pay very little attention to any one individual, but pays extreme attention to the masses. This in a way devalues the singular while valuing the whole. Individuals like myself, who both have trouble understanding and conforming to social constructs, as well as value the singular individuals highly, and the whole somewhat less, can have serious personal issues with social constructions.
Now, I do not mean to suggest that I would rather have one individual be valued over the rest - I feel quite differently. Instead of seeing humans as fields, I see them as many blades of grass. You can either group them up to devalue the individual (which is reliant on all of those individuals to exist, itself), or you can see them as many individuals that are each different, and which each have value. Many eschew the concept of the individual seeing it as counterproductive to the good of the whole, when really, it just takes more effort, and they don't want to put in that effort. Certainly, it's true that not every individual human can get the precise treatment and level of attention they deserve, but that doesn't mean that they should be universally ignored in favor of 'grander schemes,' or some such.
Morality is not truly social, though it can have strong effects in society. Morals are internal, personal, and individual, whereas ethics are determined by society, and may be formed by the accumulation of more common morals (again, the individual is random, the masses are predictable.) Ethics frequently turn into law, and laws shape many of the boundaries of society. If anything, society owes everything to morals, yet is like a bastardisation and heavily morphed descendent of morality. As societies grow and change, and spring new societies, it gets more and more distanced and skewed away from the root morals. Nothing can truly be called amoral, unless and individual truly lacks a moral code (the most likely candidates for such a mind would be sociopaths, though even they can display some semblance of moral code.) Each individual has morals, and those morals may contradict another's morals - which is when one calls the other 'amoral.' Morals aren't truly good or bad, as in the end, good and bad are themselves blurry and even arbitrary. Good and bad are, instead, based somewhat more closely on ethics, which is societal, which can be averaged and given a baseline, which can be constrained by and influence laws, and which can be enforced by the masses based on a shared idea (though, with the individual, it can be contradicted and questioned, as the individual is unpredictable.) Predictable, when referring to an individual, rather means 'close or similar to the average.' Some people do simply go very in line with the average of the masses, which makes them more predictable, despite the fact that their capability of employing free will can still bring about a sudden and unpredictable nature at any given point. For instance, it's been shown that virtually anyone and everyone can be driven to murder in the right circumstances, no matter how 'predictable' or 'good' they are.
What irks me most about society is when it's given incredible weight over any other factor. Society and social constructs should never trump the individual and the unique mind, and yet they frequently do, even if we don't realise it. When someone says that they don't vote during elections because their one tiny vote won't make a difference, they're right to some extent, but when you consider the accumulation of such 'tiny votes,' if many, many more individuals thought the same way, then the results of a vote could be drastically swayed in a different direction. Every vote does and doesn't count, in that no one vote matters as long as there are many, many more, but to make that larger number, you must have an accumulation of individual votes. The individual should never so easily be discounted.
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