I think that, every single day, I thank God, or whomever one would give
gratitude to if one is at all spiritual or religious, that I am bipolar.
Honestly, I don't believe that God has a direct hand in the going ons
of the universe ninety-nine-point-nine-repeating percent of the time,
but I do believe that - at any time - He could intervene... yet He
didn't. He didn't keep me from developing bipolar, nor did He 'cure' me
of it. It is His inaction that I am grateful for - or, at least... what I
presume to be His inaction. If bipolar was the result of negative
karma, like some kind of atonement, then I am overjoyed. I have enough
guilt to fill a lifetime already, whether truly justified or not, and
bipolar just... feels right as my path of atonement. But all must atone,
their entire lives, as no one is purely good. If you are born, you are
almost inevitably forced to atone (perhaps the only exception being
things like stillborn babies, or children who die at extremely young
ages.) I don't believe in the infallible and absolute innocence of
children, in all honesty, and believe that some children can be
conniving mongrels. So all, in their own way, must atone, though whether
or not they ever do is purely up to them. That's the beauty (and
horror) of free will.
So, why am I so grateful for my bipolar?
Well... not an easy question to answer, even if I asked it, myself. I
guess that, in the simplest and most concise way, I can say that bipolar
made me who I am, and I'm glad that I didn't turn out differently. I'm
also glad that the future is uncertain and so I have multiple paths to
end up potentially someone entirely different - just hopefully for the
better. Some see life as extremely linear - walking a straight line from
beginning to end until you die. I don't see it that way... Think Schrödinger's
Cat, but not necessarily with the certainty or belief that each
possibility exists simultaneously in innumerable different worlds which
each contain one of those innumerable possibilities. I do believe that
the end result of all things is inevitable and already determined in
some sense, but that free will allows us to determine our futures in the
moment. It's somewhat paradoxical, and perhaps a little nonsensical to
some or most, but it's what I believe. We make ourselves who we become,
yet all time is, has, and will exist, meaning that all things have been
done, thus determined. If one could warp to the future, I believe that
they couldn't alter it, nor could the knowledge of that future alter the
future. The future was already determined by all those who've lived
from the done of time until that moment in the future, even if we
currently exist before it. The past would be the same. Already
determined, meaning we couldn't change the past or alter the present,
and thusly the future. It's all inevitable, and yet we determine each
detail.
I also like bipolar because I believe that, without it, I
could never think of this kind of trippy crap. Bipolar is a drug that
you don't take... you just have it. It exists within you, is made within
you, and is a part of you. Highs that can whirl out of control
or create pure euphoria, as well as the lows that can drive one mad, or
strengthen the soul to be more enduring. All drugs have a price, all
individuals a different opinion of those drugs, and all users different
experiences using the drug. Bipolar's no different. Yes, some days it's
unbearable and I just want to scream in agony, while others I'm so high
off of myself that I couldn't have a care in the world. I can be
paranoid and neurotic, or careless and overjoyed. Much of the time, I
like the feeling that I don't have to be other people, or even try
drugs, to have a strong sense of what it would be like if I did or
could. Sure, drugs can more easily be taken at will and produce a
certain effect almost immediately, while bipolar does what it wants when
it wants. Sure, people reinvent themselves all the time, even changing
their gender if they so wish, but my personality can shift so much that I
don't feel I really need to reinvent myself. Certainly, some
things are more persistent and need to be more willingly changed, but
some things are more... plastic than others. Some things change on their
own or quite easily, while others need to be changed by effort and
willpower. Days long ago, I couldn't handle this vast differences in
myself, and partitioned them as if separate people entirely, but I think
I'm learning to embrace and incorporate all those differences into one
body and one mind.
Without bipolar, I don't think that I would
intellectually and spiritually embrace life like I do, despite the fact
that I hardly ever embrace it physically, anymore (that's
anxiety-related, though, not directly bipolar.) I don't think that I
would see the world anything like I do now... It would probably be...
logical, simple, and structured. I used to be incredibly quiet, very
attentive, very logical... I do sometimes dwell and reminisce about
those days of simplicity, but since when did simplicity really get
anyone anywhere? And I am speaking relatively, here. Sure, without
bipolar, I'd probably be drastically more successful in a social way,
but sometimes I wonder if I would've been dead in a spiritual way. So
called 'dead inside.' Sometimes, it seems like those deemed 'mentally
healthy' are the most unhealthy. They thrive in the physical world, but
frequently die in the spiritual and philosophical worlds. I believe that
sociopaths are a perfect example of this... I am holding less and less
against sociopaths, nowadays, but I do still see them as hollow, empty
voids, conditioned only to prosper in this finite, mind-numbingly
concrete world. Society was seemingly made for them, and yet
those who constitute most of society tend to fear them. Why be such a
proponent of something you fear? I'm holding less and less appreciation
for the humans' world, of society, of economies and governments, of such
confining man-made structures. We often complain when something is 'too
much,' and yet humans almost without exception constantly add more to
the monstrously vast social dynamics and physical creations. And as time
goes on, as overall safety is more and more greatly assured, as we
build walls and hold off threats by gun and missile, as we create
medical treatments that fight off previously lethal illnesses and
prolong lives, as we become more constructed and powerful as a
species... something in us gets smaller and smaller and smaller... until
it's nearly impossible to see. This little... glimmer. It fades just a
little more each generation, each millennium... perhaps never fully
disappearing (halving? since halving a value infinitely could never
yield a complete and pure zero.)
But individuals pop up from
time to time... They marginally revive this glimmer, breathing more life
into the world. They're spiritually attuned and entuned (whether
they know it or not.) Human existence, in the end, is like a vast
network of speculation... Human life is like seeing a plane blow up in
the sky, causing everyone to conjure up any possible explanation for
such an incidence. But... for some reason, we rarely, or seemingly
never, get to the next part... At least... not in this life. We never
get to the part where the facts are laid out, proven infallible, and
agreed on by at least the majority, perhaps with a handful of outliers.
We're stuck in the speculative stage of guessing and assuming. But I do
commend one particular quality of note... I commend those who can accept
that the answers will be presented to them in due time, should the be
presented to them at all, and try to simply await that time while moving
on with the rest of their lives. I think that all who can do this act
of self-restrain learn to do it at varying times relative to one
another, at their own pace. It is true that... in life, things won't
come to fruition, or simply in your life, if you do not seek them or
take action, and yet I believe that things will happen when they happen.
Do not stand idle, but do not necessarily expect to find what you're
looking for. Seek with the notion that you might end up with something
entirely different. What is the lyric? You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need,
is it? Rings true with me. Each moment is a stepping stone to the next.
However, their are many stepping stones after each stepping stone, and
it's you're choice which to jump to. I think bipolar brought about more,
new stepping stones for me... perhaps at the price of ones that may not
have been 'meant to be.'
Final Note: Yes, the title is
intended to be sarcastic, and somewhat ironic. However, I figured that
bipolar is often like a ticking time bomb that goes off.. and then
magically regenerates into another bomb that inevitably blows, in a
continuous, endless cycle of explosions.
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