It's been... oh, maybe a little over a week, or about a week, since I
ran out of my Wellbutrin (atypical antidepressant/mild stimulant) and
gabapentin (anticonvulsant used to treat neuropathic pain, and has very
mild anxiolytic effects.) Now, I got my refills... err... technically
last night. Took my first doses since I've been off them. Well, every
time I go off of a med, it seems that I am reminded of just how much I
need it. Admittedly, the situation was a bit different with my other two
bipolar meds (Seroquel and Lamictal), as I safely tapered off those and
have been doing somewhat better than expected for the past several
months (about half a year, now!) Now, running out and having either one
of those cut off (not on purpose, or completely willingly) often caused
withdrawal in the past, which also caused bipolar symptoms to suddenly
and uncontrollably erupt. But I was extremely cautious and careful about
tapering off so I didn't really have to deal with any of that. Sure,
moods have been more erratic and much stronger since getting off my
primary bipolar meds, but it hasn't been anything I couldn't handle,
yet, so I'd say I'm doing fairly well.
Anyway... 7, 8, maybe
9 days off Wellbutrin and gabapentin, and things went south - fast. The
Wellbutrin typically kept my mood a little higher, and sometimes even
slightly contributed to increased incidences of hypomania and mania, but
in its absence, I easily fell into a depression that only slightly
lifted before slipping back down, over and over for almost every one of
those days. Being an offshoot of stimulants (notice the 'amphetamine' in
its scientific name: 3-chloro-N-tert-butyl-β-ketoamphetamine),
I've also noticed the Wellbutrin help with my symptoms of ADHD and OCD.
My gabapentin helped keep my fibromyalgia symptoms in check, and, both
to a lesser direct degree and more strongly indirectly, my anxieties.
Well, off them both, my anxieties began skyrocketing, I fell into the
aforementioned depressive slumps, I had pain all over almost nonstop,
I've been extremely lethargic and unmotivated, I've been getting hot
flashes (fibro symptoms), chills - also fibro, agitation, irritability,
sudden and unpredictable shifts in mood, intense obsessions and
compulsions, as well as both obsessive and compulsive (or
obsessive-compulsive) behaviors, my attention has been extremely
scattered, getting distracted like a dog seeing a squirrel or trying to
chase a ball that his owner didn't really throw, having anguish over
certain phobias, and a myriad of other things here and there. It's been
agonising.
The thought of going outside? Hasn't crossed my mind once..
Normally, I at least get daydreams about just being able to go outside
and do something, but it's been out of the question to even think about
it. I can barely sleep at night because of my arachnophobia (fear of
spiders), and find it easier to sleep during the day since they're
nocturnal creatures, and I could see them coming more easily if needed.
I've been obsessing about all kinds of things. My OCD really kicked in
when I offered my brother a taste for a drink I concocted. First, he
grabbed a straw, and I thought it was alright, but then I shoved the
straw away and adamantly insisted on putting a little bit in the cup.
Instead of apparently wasting a cup, he just swiped the straw and made a
little slurp. According to him, he was sucking even after taking the
straw out in order not to let saliva flow back into the drink, but it
was far, far too chancy for me. He then placed his palm atop my
hamburger bun for some kind of joke that I forget now, much to my
frustration. I went down stairs, tore the top off the bun off - any part
that I could conceive his hand having touched - and fought with myself
over bearing to drink the other 15 or so ounces of the drink I made
after he used a straw.
This all sounds utterly ridiculous, I know. He used a straw? What's the problem, then? I can imagine so many thinking. Or, What, he just touched the top of your hamburger bun? So?
Well, OCD isn't exactly rational... And, my brother being the overly
mentally healthy, average guy that he is, couldn't see any harm in
anything he'd done. I sat there for upwards of thirty minutes trying to
convince myself that I should and could just drink that drink
instead of pouring it all down the drain like I told my brother I was
considering doing. Oy, vey, I gave him a bit of a verbal lashing just
for using a straw. And then he said he didn't even like the drink... It
used expensive coffee grounds, a decent amount of milk, and throwing it
down the drain would be like throwing cash down the drain - cash that
was already invested! My brother came to that same rationale, and even
argued with me, implying that he would take offense since he's pretty
much the only one with a job and bringing in money directly. And it's so
stupid because I'm nearly brought to tears just replaying all this -
and it was just a stupid drink with maybe a microlitre of saliva
wash-back! For anyone who doesn't know what a microlitre is, it's
1/1,000,000 of a litre, or 1/1000 of a millilitre. Essentially, it's
about nothing. Well, after arduous, actually painful, contemplation, I
finally figured out how I could bear drinking it... I poured in some
chocolate vodka. Made the taste a bit.. strange, but it put my
overactive mind at ease... and I got through the whole drink without
having to pour it down the drain! No wasted coffee grounds or milk, let
alone chocolate syrup. And I managed to get over eating my sandwich by
just peeling off the top layer of bun... But the ridiculously stupid
agony that I had to go through for such trivial matters! It was absurd
and idiotic. But it didn't matter. I was compelled, if not forced by my own mind to go through such asinine trials...
I've
also been obsessively researching with virtually no attention span,
jumping from one article to the next, researching all kinds of
miscellaneous, almost pointless crap. I was sure I would get to be
before 2:00 a.m. today... Well, I watched a two hour movie and took a
shower... by that time, it was almost 3:00. I then got myself some tea
and took my meds, in hopes to relax. I then remembered that my blanket
was downstairs, so I went to get it. In the process of getting my
blanket, I found myself sitting in front of the computer. "Oh! I need to
check my e-mail to see if ______ replied!" Seemed harmless enough.
Well, I did so, there was no reply, but there was a newsletter
pertaining to bipolar from PsychCentral (I get them regularly.) Well,
before I know it, I spent almost an hour reading articles and joined a
website that helps track bipolar moods, sleep, and meds... I finally
went up with my blanket, immediately having my mom ask why I'm not
asleep yet. This was the second or third time already that she asked, so
I just opted not to answer, and continued drinking the tea that I had
left upstairs about an hour ago. After finishing the tea, my mom figures
she'll use my being up as an opportunity to get an hour or so of sleep
before having to take my brother to work. So, I stay up, watch a show
until that hour is up, wake my mom up, and eat a can of tuna... with a
wide assortment of seasonings, as I can never seem to leave certain
things alone when seasonings are available! (By the way, I used 6
different kinds of bottled seasoning... for a can of tuna... at 5:15
a.m.) I then saw that there was a show on sleep disorders. Both ironic
and fitting! So I stayed up and watched that... 6:00 a.m. Then I went
down the stairs, blanket in hand, and stopped at the bottom of the
stairs... Turn right, I go to my room... turn left, I go to the
computer... After about 30 seconds, I turned left. I got on here,
started researching, then writing this, then researching, then writing
more of this, until I am where I am, now... 7:28 a.m. Fuck!
I have an appointment... today... at 12:00... A few hours of sleep? Maybe? Hopefully?
I take in a deep breath, close my eyes, and breath out... Yeah, I need to sleep.
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