The Coward's Way Out

I have to admit something that I've realised when talking with Laura... I make excuses - a lot of excuses... I avoid things, even things I want, like my life depends on it. Why? Because I'm deathly afraid. I know I need to start making friends, but I am just petrified and horrified at the idea of approaching someone - anyone - to hopefully start a friendship. I'm deathly afraid of going to college and moving on in life because of the possibility of crashing and burning in that attempt. I stay in my comfort zone, and the longer I stay in it, the more it shrinks. I don't merely become afraid of trying, I become afraid of life.

Why do I get so combative and defensive when someone asks about moving forward in life in any way..? Because just thinking about it makes my heart flutter. I just want them to immediately stop talking about it because, really... I feel like just going into a corner and crying (if I could cry.) But I do try... I just need people to trust that I do actually try, even if the steps I make are almost too small to notice. But... forward is forward, isn't it? So, perhaps I try to take the coward's way out. I may just be weak and afraid. Anxieties are not rational... so, likewise, you can't really expect me to act rationally when I'm anxious. It's not easy - it's never easy. So, the prospect of even going up to someone to say, 'Hi,' in hopes to make a new friend... can sometimes feel like the hardest thing in the world. Just thinking about it makes me feel like fainting.

So... those times when I just keep on making excuses, just know that it's because I'm so afraid I'll do just about anything not to leave that warm, fuzzy safety of my comfort zone. I need to slowly, gradually creep out of my comfort zone, just a little at a time, before I can obtain a goal. And the whole time I'm trying to creep out of and expand my comfort zone, I just want someone there to support me unconditionally. No, 'When are you going to do this? Are you going to try that? You need to do this.' All that I need is a little comfort, a little help along the way - maybe even just a hug every once in a while!

But do know that me writing this - me doing this blog - is just one such way I'm trying.