Restless Mind

These past several months, I've been noticing that I tend to get all too easily sucked into the past. It seems like just about anything can drag me into a lulling (or upsetting) spell of reminiscent thoughts. I still often get desires to retrogress to my chaotic, horrible state several years ago. I look back on all those bad memories... and envy them. I've never quite figured out why - it just seems somewhat analogous to a crack addict wanting more crack, even with the memories of the harsh side-effects.

I think of the past, sometimes simply as a memory, other times closer to a flashback, and almost scare myself what feelings they conjure. For instance, the memory of when I was at my first girlfriend's party and I started getting some very bad hallucinations, so I hid away in her (rather large) closet. I closed my eyes and burrowed my head in my knees, my arms wrapped around my legs. The whole idea was to not see anything. I could hear people asking where I was and I knew it was only a matter of time before they found me. When they did, and I wouldn't raise my head and look at any of them, they started asking what was wrong with me. I was to petrified to say anything. Whenever I looked at a wall, I would see it bleed, and whenever I looked at a person, I saw them slowly dying in some horror movie-esque way. Obviously, this was all in my head, and I knew that, but that didn't change the fact that I saw those things. Seeing my girlfriend, above all, the way that I did made me want to throw up.

When I remember that, I'm both horrified by the memory... and somewhat envious of those times. There are other, much milder (and even good), memories that make me even more envious. But if I'm not dysfunctional or 'broken' in one way or another, I start feeling like cockroaches are crawling under my skin. I start to feel so awkward that the next time something is 'wrong with me,' it's like a big sigh of relief. Even when I'm doing well, somehow - at least in the back of my mind - I'm not doing well. I hate the exhaustion and feelings of when my life is in chaos, and hate the quiet without the chaos. No matter what, in some way, I seem to be restless. I just can't wait until the day I can truly rest.